Delirium or Insanity?
by XxSebastin'sXLittleXRobinxX
Summary: Was this just a brief hysteria left over from Road's mind tricks? Or was this permanent? LaviYuu, Warnings inside along with full summary
1. Chapter 1

Delirium or Insanity?

Pairing: LaviYuu

Full Summary: Was this just a brief hysteria left over from Road's mind tricks? Or was this permanent? Time was running out, it was always running out. Can't somebody help him, help them? What was happening and when would it end?

Warnings: Yaoi, BoyXBoy, Sexual Themes, Character Death, Violence, OOCness (Most of these warnings are in future chapters)

I do not own D. Gray Man or any of its characters

If there are any spelling/grammar mistakes I apologize. Also it is late, but I hope you have a great New Year! ^.^ and review please

**This will be a chapter FanFic and I have started the second chapter. I also know how many chapters there will be as well as the events in those chapters, but I don't know how often I will update only because each chapter will be pretty long. I can promise that I will not stop until this is finish. I only tell you this because I want to be up front on this just so you know. Again this is the only story I'm working on so I will finish this.**

_Delirium_ - A temporary state of mental confusion and fluctuating consciousness resulting from high fever, intoxication, shock, or other causes. It is characterized by anxiety, disorientation, hallucinations, delusions, and incoherent speech.

_Insanity_ - Relatively permanent disorder of the mind; state or condition of being insane

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_Delirium or Insanity?_

_Chapter, 1_

He sat with his legs pulled up to his chest and arms wrapped around them underneath an oak tree. A pale cheek lay on his knees as his cloak enveloped his form like a butterfly's cocoon. Just like the branches that hung over head his cloak, at that moment, gave him a sense of safety and security. Protection from the harm that haunts his heart and being. Yet that was all a falsehood he wished to believe. Not even the release of warm tears down his cheeks could stop the aching inside him.

Coldness creeped into his soul a long time ago and now he barely notice the snow that fell from the sky as well as the harsh winds that whipped at his buried face. Everything floated away like a bottle a drift at sea, everything except a burning remnant of a flame that once flared brightly. The teen sniffled as he tried to dry his tears, but the flow just kept falling endlessly. Both cheeks were red from the harsh cold winds and crying. The snow fell heavier now as it piled on his blood red hair causing it to become dark and dull from the melting flakes. He was already buried in it as the white ice crystals surrounded his waist. Hours he had been sitting under this tree, hours that passed by slowly as he released his pain.

Why did this have to happen?

Why was life so cruel to him and Yuu-chan?

They didn't do anything to deserve this ferocity in life, all they tried to do was find some happiness in their torment lives. Some happiness that could make the impending future and nightmarish past invalid, non-existence. A way out for both them yet only Kanda had a true way out that plagued his mind like a parasite. And that thought brought a fresh wave of half-frozen tears as his feeling deaden heart ripped even more.

Right now all Lavi wanted was to stop crying, he was sick of it. So sick of not being able to stop, of not being able to control it like he use to. This was the first time in years he had cried and it was all because of the reaper attached to Kanda's back. The reaper that was counting down his time through light pink lotus petals. Lavi saw him every day and could see that as the petals fell he became stronger.

Just the other day when he saw the long haired exorcist exit Komui's office the reaper grinned at him as a shiver of anticipation shook its black form. It was hard to tear his emerald green eye away from the sight, but when he did he saw that Kanda was paler than normal and a gray hue took over his flawless creamy flesh. His face was a tad bit gaunt and shined ever so slightly with a sheen of sweat. Lavi knew at that moment what was happening, he knew that time was running out and it was running out fast.

His lithe frame shivered under the coldness of the wind that froze his damp clothes and nipped at his flesh. This was the one place he could think besides the library and the roof, this oak tree on the tip of the cliff. An emerald green eye briefly looked up and he could instantly see the clouds that surrounded the Black Order. Hiding the town that would be nothing, but an ant sized speck.

The tips of his boots just barely touched the edge of the cliff creating a dangerous air. It was that sense of danger that he loved about this place. That nagging knowledge of what if...what if he walked to close and slipped over the edge. Or even one of his most favorite questions, How would it feel to fall all the way down to the earth? Would the wind feel gentle against his body? And would the clouds create the feeling of a soft blanket sliding along his skin, a silky feeling he guessed it might be.

It was these little questions of his own purposeful or careless end, and really those were his only two options if he did end up falling over the edge, that took his mind away from the things he didn't want in his head. The rules he had to follow and the roaming mass of knowledge that slowly drove him insane. Not even his precious Yuu-chan could stop those questions from being scrutinize in his mind. For it was the Bookman inside of him that wanted the answers and his own morbid sense of self.

Lavi smiled somberly as he imaged the beautiful release that it could bring him. Release from his Bookman duties, his exorcist duties, and the love that gnawed at his ash fill heart. He didn't think he could wait for the day that Kanda left this world, he was not ready yet and Bookman was not ready to leave either.

Hot tears un-thawed the crystal tracks on his cheek yet again as they poured from his eyes, even the one under his eye patch leaked tears. Small gasping sobs broke through his silent lips as his grief reached a whole new level of pain. There was so much pressure inside his chest that wanted to be released and Lavi refused to let it escape. Yet it continued to build until he wanted to do nothing, but scream for hours until he lost his voice and his throat was raw. He refused to let his pain out like that even these sobs made his self hate grow. Crying was a weakness, a sign of emotion that a Bookman could not afford.

_'Just like your love for that moody exorcist,' _A voice echoed inside his head. _'You're really pathetic "Lavi" did you know that.'_

The redhead stared at the swirling clouds as he listened to the cruel voice. And why should he not listen, what it said true. His 48th alias was always right, so much so that he sometimes believed it was his true feelings or even the Bookman side of him trying to slap him awake. Lavi was so afraid that the years with Bookman had finally got to him to the point where he would never to be able to feel openly again. The Black Order changed all that though or more precisely Kanda had change that.

There was still a darkness inside of him that refused to let go and with the things that he had seen with Bookman it wasn't surprising it was still there clinging to him, but Lavi was able to feel again. Until Road came along and dug inside his brain bring forth Deak to torment him. It took weeks for Lavi to right himself, weeks that were spent in the infirmary always aware of Kanda nearness and an attack on the Order. Ever since then Deak has shown up as a tiny voice whispering poisonous words that made so much sense.

Carefully standing up Lavi shook of all the snow that fallen on him and was still silent joining him in his pain. Two or three feet separated the redhead from the very edge of the cliff. Two or three feet blocked his path from the open air that he longed to have caress his body like Yuu's long nimble fingers did on sensual nights. He longed to have fierce winds sing in his ear and toss his fiery hair around like Yuu did when they were cuddled on one of their beds.

A mournful laugh escaped his blue tinted lips as he thought of the slightly disturb look Kanda got whenever he used the word cuddle. It was cute in a way that only Kanda could pull off when he denied it and said he doesn't cuddle or snuggle. It was even cuter when Lavi asked what they were doing and he replied with 'laying about'.

The tears had finally stopped for now as he took one step closer to the edge. A morbid smile clung tightly to his lips as he looked at the drop with a dull green eye. Only a foot now lay between Lavi and the edge, a foot that teased the tips of his boots. How wonderful it would be to finally be free?

_'Pretty damn sweet.'_ he thought.

What was the point of living anyway? Kanda was going to disappear, he couldn't say or even think the word die because he still denied this with his very being, in a couple of days, he knew it and felt it deep within his soul. Being a Bookman was what he thought he wanted to do when he was younger, but then again what did he know. Lavi was just a small child when he made the choice; a choice he now re-thought about many times yet he still would never give up. If only for the simple fact that it was all he knew. That's what he kept telling himself until the reality of Kanda's death became clearer with each passing day.

One petal was all that was left on the lotus.

One petal that was withering and turning gray just like Kanda.

The desire to step off the edge gripped him so tightly that the redhead slowly raised his foot. If he really was going to do this than he wanted to savor the moment until the end. Snowflakes tickled his face as the wind blew leisurely with a waiting need. He just needed all this pain and pressure to end. Lavi couldn't take this heartache anymore as watched the other fade. He couldn't take the knowledge that soon he was going to be left behind while Kanda broke free for his own shackles and demons.

A single tear escaped from his uncovered eye before running down his cheek. One last tear for his Yuu-chan whose fragile being he knew he was going to break when they found his body, if they found it. His foot was over the edge yet not enough to finally thrust him forward into those gray clouds. Pins and needles pierced his heart making it bleed something black. Explode, he felt like he was going to explode with all these feelings physical and emotional.

_'So pathetic you are...So pathetic.'_ Deak harshly whispered with amused laughter.

Lavi nodded his head in agreement as he closed his emerald green eye. Deak was his reaper that clung to his back, his puppeteer that controlled the strings now. It was this phantom that torments him to the end. In a way Deak was Lavi's lotus. One final time he let an anguished noise escape his lips in a quiet whisper. Stalling, that's what he was unknowingly doing. Lavi was stalling his own end as the angels silently whispered words of delay. And the final delay, the final form of his second chance came in the shape of Kanda Yuu.

The Japanese exorcist could not believe the scene that was playing out before his sapphire eyes. Sheer terror like he never felt before raced through his veins trying to attack his heart. And before he became frozen to the ground Kanda called the other's name, racing toward the redhead that had one foot raised over the edge. It was only moments ago that he sat by the window in his room with a blank expression covering his face like a mask. Kanda watched the quiet snow fall to the ground as if they were tiny faeries laughing at him.

Winter was not his favorite season, it was too cold, wet, and just plain annoying. Yet whenever it snow he loved to watch the flakes fall in their calm demeanor. It soothed him and he found the gentle quiet beautiful, but he only watched absolutely declining to go out unless he was given a mission. That was until a certain _Usagi _came along and changed everything. And now one of his favorite things to do was to go walking through the falling snow with Lavi by his side.

A strong desire to do just that embraced him as his sapphire eyes stared at the woods below. Kanda felt that there was something or someone out there playing out events that called to him like whispering kisses. He felt a great sorrow steadily rising from the tree tops like smoke from a fire and that smoke twirled around him like silk bondage unwilling to release their hold. Rising from his chair by the window Kanda grab his exorcist jacket and Lavi's orange scarf.

He had stolen it for the redhead's room before a long mission in Russia and had yet to give it back. Bring one end of the soft fabric up to his nose the Japanese exorcist breathed in the smell of old leather bound books and ink. Even after two months it still smelled like Lavi or was that just his wishful thinking so he didn't have to give it back. It. Was. Freezing. Yet as soon as Kanda stepped outside the desire became stronger and more insistent. After trudging through the thick forest for a couple minutes Kanda stood staring at Lavi about ready to jump.

The redhead was too caught up in his thoughts to notice another person standing near him. He didn't even hear the voice that called his name for all he could listen to was the mocking voice of Deak urging him on. Telling him that it was ok to end it, that the sweet release he wanted would come if he just _hurried up _and took that short plunge. Lavi tilted his head up to look at the bright gray clouded sky. Snowflakes hit his cheeks and melted on his skin as they mixed with his tears.

They were rivers of never ending water, his tears were, only stopping here and there to start up again. Most of the time without his consent. Harsh gusts of winds rocked him back and forth as he uneasily stood on one leg. One leg that was wobbling under the strain and sliding ever so slightly on the snow underneath. There was a force that was pushing on him.

Trying with all its might to get him to move, but the only thing it was successful in was getting the redhead to lower his foot back to the ground. Deak seemed to frown angrily in the back of his mind. Unlike Lavi who was completely withdrawn from his surroundings he had heard that moody exorcist calling the other. And now he didn't have the time needed to persuade Lavi before his plan was ruined.

_'All you have to do is lean forward "Lavi" lean forward until you fall.' _

That voice whispered was not surprising in the least when Lavi started to lean forward like the good little puppet he was. Trying to fight the force that held him in place he closed his dull bloodshot green eye. A stray tear that clung to his lashes fell to the ground melting away some of the snow.

His head was once again downcast looking at the swirling gray clouds that danced in the open air. The velvet look of the fluffy overcast was _oh so _tempting to his mind that the redhead couldn't wait to feel them against his skin. In the background there was this nagging noise that did not quite pierce the soundless wall enveloping him. Lavi payed it no mind as he listened more intently to what Deak was whispering to his dazed being.

_'How will Yuu-chan feel if he lives to find out what I did?' _The redhead questioned himself. _'Probably nothin' 'cause Yuu is strong...Stronger than me.'_

He smiled weakly at the thought that was truer than anything else in the world, or so he believed. It wasn't much of a surprise when he also thought about Bookman and how he would have to get a new apprentice now. Would he be angry, disappointed, sad? Would he even feel or just stare his blank stare, because after all he was _The_ Bookman and never showed he had a heart. Yet another fact to drive into his mind, more proof that he was the failure the old panda claimed him to be.

Lenalee, Allen, Komui, Crow-chan, and so many more people that he had met at the Order; how would they take the news? Then to lose Yuu shortly after...What was Lavi going to put them through? Was he really willing to have all his comrades go through hell just so he can escape? He didn't even have to think that hard on it for he agreed that yes he was going to let them go through hell. A coward's escape and just perfect for a pathetic failure like him. Deak's cruel chuckling echoing in his head distracted Lavi even more as he quickly continued to withdraw into himself.

There was no surprise, no surprise at all when he froze in place like an ice sculpture as warm arms caught him in an embrace. Lavi 'awoke' as he felt the unexpected hug from behind. Deak's ugly yellow claws retracted from his mind. As the cold disappeared, as the ice thawed Lavi was able to think clearly. Large tremors shook his lithe body as he finally felt the harsh wind nip at his wet clothes and bite his flesh.

Warmth spread though the arms encircling him, warming his body as it froze from nature's elements. Fresh tears ran down his cheeks as the pain inside intensified for the fog veiling it when Deak spoke poisonous words was lifted. Slowly Lavi turned around in the small space choking back sobs.

The questions of his own end that were circling his mind dissolved in his head once his emerald green eye saw the other. A grayish pale face, sapphire eyes, long black locks, and the hissing sound of the reaper filled his seeing eyes and hearing ears. His orange scarf stood out brightly in the bleak dark and white colored world surrounding it. Cold half frozen hands that were covered by fingerless gloves reached up enclosing that all too familiar face yet half expecting it to vanish under his touch. A sadness had entered those beautiful crystal blue eyes.

Pain, a betrayal, that ran deep had begun to cut into this long haired beauty's heart and soul. Lavi had wounded him deeply yet a spark of understanding twinkled in the sapphire seas of sorrow. For the long haired beauty knew that he would not be able to watch as Lavi walked away with Bookman had he the time, but he would have. Yes, if he had the chance to say 'Good-bye' to Lavi without it being tainted by Death, Kanda would take that happy somber 'Good-bye'. And happy it would be because if Death was still held at bay then there was a possible chance of them meeting again yet now there was no such chance.

Lavi gripped the Japanese exorcist in a tight embrace. Burying his nose into the crook of Kanda's neck and arms twined around his shoulders. Tears stained the orange scarf as they slipped from closed eyes. He breathed in the other's famous soap and lotus smell, he breathed it in deep. The redhead's body released all tension and quiet fear. It gave a sigh of relief as he held the long haired exorcist close. Just like all the other times Lavi embraced him and breathed in his scent.

Every time, it never failed to wash away worries ingrained so deep that they left scars. To be forgotten, forgotten if only for the moment so long as he was with his Yuu-chan everything would fade away. But the sorrow the redhead now felt could not be forgotten or washed away like a speck of dirt. As the reaper loomed over them both breathing its rank breathe down their throats, Lavi could not forget. It seemed that the reaper had taken an interest in him now; an interest that could only mean Death was soon awaiting his presence.

Lavi held back another bout of sobs as he buried his nose further into the crook of the Japanese exorcist's neck. Kanda gave a soft sigh that kissed his shoulder. The redhead hugged the other even closer in his sheer desperation to keep his long haired beauty. Did Kanda even _know _about the reaper? Could he see the reaper like Lavi could? Or was the glowing lotus trapped inside the ironic hourglass Kanda's only means of seeing his end?

An end that was cutting a life short, a life that was just beginning; beginning to feel, love, and let people in. A life that was teaching Lavi and bring him back from an unfeeling dead world. These questions seemed to take over his mind, replacing the ones that now frighten him. Lavi didn't care if the gray clouds felt like silk smoothing over his flesh. Didn't care how sweet his end could be because those were Deak's poisonous whispers that ripped and gnawed at his sanity.

But were they really Deak's venom filled words?

Did they not come from his brain and excited his senses?

The pure white snow continued to fall on their tainted forms covering their heads and shoulders. Lavi trembled against the other yet Kanda held on tightly. He couldn't feel the arctic winds like Lavi could for his body's reaction to the cold had died some days ago. The redhead's jaw clenched at the inner thoughts inside his head. No, these were not his evaluations. These twisted questions were Deak's cruel amusement and nothing else. None of these questions came from '_him'_ nor did they come from _'Lavi'_.

The reaper's putrid breathe brushed against his neck causing the redhead to shiver. This dark cruel thing, this black shadow of Death was it really only seen by him? Did Lenalee, Allen, or even Komui see it? Was it here just to torment him like the lotus tormented Kanda? How did Kanda even_ feel _watching his life grow shorter right before his sapphire eyes every day? Lavi growled lightly in his throat as his mind was assaulted. All these questions that did not belong to him circling around making him dizzy; not giving him a moment's peace to think of what matter.

_'If it's not Deak's venomous words than it is that damned Bookman part of me that wants nothing, but every little detail!' _Lavi thought. He felt gentle lithe fingers brush through his damp blood red hair and petal soft lips on his cheek brushing the tears away. Warm crystalline tears that fell one after another, tears that he had not known his was crying. Lavi had thought they stopped awhile ago. Kanda in a very un-Kanda-like fashion was whispering soft caring words. Quiet frantic muffled words caressed the Japanese exorcist's neck as Lavi spoke in a whisper.

"I can't do it...I can't do it, Yuu-chan!"

Kanda's usual cold hard sapphire eyes soften with lament and understanding. Yet this small acknowledgment the redhead had spoken splintered and cracked Kanda in ways too foreign to describe. Did Lavi not want to be here with him till the end like he wanted to be with Lavi? This was to be expect through, in Kanda's mind, when he first met the annoying redhead he knew that this _Baka Usagi _would be able to thaw him out. That he would unknowingly cause Kanda to let him in. The redhead would crush his fragile being with one flick of a finger, he knew that Lavi would be his downfall.

It was no secret, no secret at all; just a moment waiting to happen at a later date. And this later date had finally come at the ending of his days. The worst time for such a betrayal for it would not allow them to heal from this sting. Reaching up he placed his hands on either side of the redhead's face before lifting it from the crook of his neck. Looking into that solemn face and murky green eye the Japanese exorcist wiped away tear tracks with his thumbs.

"Don't Lavi," Kanda soberly said as he shook his head. "Don't talk like that. Just because my time is up doesn't mean yours has to end prematurely." He stared hard at the other with the best stern glare he could muster up at the moment. Nothing seemed to be reaching the redhead, nothing but the sound of his voice for his words seemed to fall on deaf ears. A tickle formed in Kanda's throat as nausea rose in him. The long haired exorcist could feel the blood and bile mix in his stomach forcing the nausea to become worst.

Pushing it down with all his might he tried to reach Lavi still. This wasn't the time to show the other how sick he was, it wasn't the time at all. Sapphire eyes quickly glanced to their left then right. At that moment Kanda realized just how close to the edge of the cliff they where and how little space there was for them to kneel in.

_'Is this the place he always went to when he was upset or needed to think?'_ he thought.

For Kanda it was a known fact that the redhead had his places he disappeared to, especially when he was upset or needed some quiet. Hell he had those places himself and Lavi was the only one who knew them as well, but unlike Lavi, Kanda never followed him to those places. He only knew the niches within the Order because they were the most obvious and places he disappeared to also. The woods were a different story with its vast amount of trees surrounding the tall tower, Lavi could have been anywhere among their trunks and branches.

Though it was always after they had a particularly bad fight, one that was almost always about Bookman or the lotus where no one won, did Lavi leave the Order for the comfort of the trees. Kanda had always sat and watched him from a window until he blended in with the tightly enclosed forest. Sometimes he even stayed there until the redhead emerged again, but where he went he couldn't say.

The dull green of Lavi's eye was hidden behind his eyelid as Kanda refocused on the redhead again. More persistent was the coughing tickle in his throat pleading him to just let the nausea take over so he could get rid of the contents swishing in his stomach. Wrenching his head to the side and laying eyes on the gray clouds the long haired beauty cough violently. Quickly he covered his mouth with a hand that rested on the other's cheek. Lavi's eye shot open as he heard the coughing and felt the hand leave his face.

Ribbons of blood slipped through Kanda's fingers as he tried to hold it in. The reaper chuckled a sickly laugh that chilled Lavi to the bone and sent shivers down his spine. Out right glee beamed from the dark shadow of Death as he patiently waited. Carefully he dragged the other with him as he sat with his back against the tree again. Kanda was placed in his lap as he wrapped his arms around the thin waist.

It took sometime for the long haired exorcist to stop coughing blood, but during that time Lavi held on to him with more tears staining his pale skin. Anger bubbled in him at these never ending tears; he hated them and just wanted them to stop. Yet seeing Kanda like this had him shedding that crystal wetness again.

"I loved you ever since I first saw you," Kanda voiced through panting breathes. "Even when I said I hated you, I still loved you. Just took me awhile to realized and accept it..."

Lavi smiled through his tears and snuggled against Kanda.

"Whatcha ya love most about me?"

"Your irritating lop-sided grin and annoying bright red hair."

Kanda pulled the other's headband off letting the soft red strands fall around Lavi's face as the snow piled in his hair cascaded away. Slipping his fingers through the silky locks Kanda brushed away some remaining snow.

"I thought you hated my 'irritating' grin and 'annoying' bright red hair." Lavi said.

Kanda smiled as he saw the redhead's lips twitch at the corners in a tiny smirk. Only small smiles were allowed, only small smiles for it wasn't really the time or place for that blistering joy. No, only a somber happiness was allowed to leak through the bleak surface of their pain.

"Don't you know by now Lavi, I hate the things I love."

"Where does Allen fit into that logic then!"

Kanda smacked him upside the head lightly before glaring.

"Don't bring up _Moyashi_, but if you must know I truly cannot stand him."

Lavi smiled his irritating lop-sided grin as Kanda's words honestly made him want to laugh. As well as the pout that had form onto the long haired exorcist's lips without him knowing. Gently he undid Kanda's hair tie and threaded lithe fingers through the long strands while his other arm was wrapped around Kanda's waist. He pulled the other closer to his body not wanting to let go as the Japanese exorcist wrapped his arms around his neck. Closing his dull green eye as he buried his nose in soft black hair Lavi breathed in the clinging scent of soap and an underlying lotus fragrance.

"I love your hair the most," Lavi whispered. "And your amazing sapphire eyes."

Kanda sighed at those words and closed his eyes. He may not have been able to feel the warmth and Lavi may be freezing at this point, but Kanda still could feel a gentle heat radiating inside his chest.

"I gonna miss you."

It was Lavi who had spoken those words for he needed the other to know that he truly did fear that end. Even if those words didn't speak his fear he knew that Kanda could hear. Burying his face further into the other's long black locks, Lavi quietly listened to the snow fall and ignored the reaper's unpleasant sounds. The oak tree's branches protected them from the falling snowflakes creating a small space, a small world of their own were they could sit and watch the thick falling ice crystals around them.

His mind was blissfully blank as he tired to relax his tense muscles. There was no more questions plaguing his thoughts. No images or false sense of freedom he got when he thought about his end yet Deak still ran his mouth in the distance of his mind. Broken sentences came as an echo to his mental ears.

_'Pathetic...nothing for you here...You make me laugh...MINDLESS FOOL!'_

Absent mindedly the redhead stroked shaking fingers through mangled and knotted hair as he tried not to listen. It didn't matter what Deak said so long as Kanda was by his side caught up in his arms, it didn't matter at all. Lavi hand was captured in a snarl of hair which confused him only slightly. Usually Kanda's hair was a perfect, smooth, and an effortless waterfall of black locks everyday. Despite the fact he always washed it with soap the Japanese exorcist always made sure his hair was immaculate.

It was a somewhat compulsive act for him; a way, Lavi thought, for him to have some normalcy even if some people found it odd. The redhead smiled briefly at all the times he tired to get the other to let him brush those long silken locks only to be violently threaten. There were a few times though were he did win and Kanda had let him brush his hair, promising to sit quietly and just relax. He found it almost cute how the other had had his eyes downcast with a very faint blush tainting his cheeks.

Problem was the long haired exorcist would have smacked him in the back of the head again if he found that Lavi had used cute to describe him. But what was puzzling the redhead now was the simple fact that before Kanda's hair had been that immaculate silk it always was. Even with him running his hand through the long locks it would not have been knotted this bad, if it became that way at all.

Kanda's body was freezing to the touch yet he didn't find that odd for Kanda was always colder than normal and it was below freezing out here. A small bit of fear gnawed at his gut as the abrupt thought of Death crossed his mind. Surely it was not that time, the other still had a couple days, weeks, a month at best before he fell to that cold black abyss.

His nose scrunched up as a corroding smell hit his nostrils. Stronger it was than the rank putrid breathe of the reaper, who seemed at this point to be shaking with soundless giggles. A thick muddy wetness soaked the front of his clothes as grimly fingertips touched his face. Lavi was afraid to open his eye yet that Bookman side of him reared its ugly head and forced him to look. A blood shot green eye widens at the horrific sight before him. Pale cheeks grew slightly green and bile rose in his throat.

Black knotted hair fizzed in spots around a gray face of death that had flesh falling off the bone. Two dark empty holes pour bloody tears as they stared at him with a child-like confusion. Where did those sharp cold sapphire eyes go? Rotting breath wheezed through decaying teeth and gums as maggots fell out of a blacken mouth. Lavi gagged as he strongly threw the Kanda corpse off him before he quickly dashed on shaking legs through the woods. Behind he could hear the reaper's spine chilling cruel laughter that ate at his bones.

That face of Death, he couldn't get it out of his mind and soon he was collapsing on the ground as vomit poured from his mouth. His head spun with dizziness, his limbs moved like solid steel, and his sight was blurry from more than just his fresh tears. Crawling, crawling he tired to move toward the Order away from the horror behind him. One, two, maybe four feet he had no idea how far he crawled even with his Bookman training the redhead could not keep count. And yet it was at that moment that he felt jello bones as hard as granite and flesh that slid on them like rubber gloves two sizes too big grip his ankles.

Looking back quickly he saw the corpse with his hanging mouth and empty eye sockets. It clawed at his legs trying to pull him back to the deeper parts of the woods, trying to move him from the sight of the tower windows which were in sight now. Only a few more feet and the redhead could make it, only a few more. The grip on him never eased or ceased as it dragged him away making it impossible for him to escape.

Lavi saw the reaper controlling tiny silver puppet strings, playing with his victim as he tortured a future one. Terrifying him into the deepest fear of Death it could. The Kanda corpse flipped him over before straddling his waist. Its face leaned down close to his ever so slowly making its decaying breath unbearable to breathe in. Closing his eye tightly Lavi thrashed about trying with all his might and wasted efforts to throw this thing off his body.

He screamed as eroding teeth bit into his flesh with great bites. Eating him away bit by bit like a piece of meat. The pain was excruciating as white spots danced in his vision. His voice was lost in a matter of minutes and now everything was silent expect the munching sounds of the corpse eating away.

But then his view changed, instead of looking at the mass of hair and branches of endless trees, Lavi now watched from a far like an audience sitting in rows upon rows of seats. The edges of the scene faded out until the black shadows consumed the image.

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I hope you enjoyed and again please review^^

XxSebastin'sXLittleXRobinxX


	2. Chapter 2

_Delirium or Insanity?_

_Chapter, 2_

Winds whistled passed his ear as he presumingly fell through nothing. That cruel poisonous laughter that could only belong to Deak echoed around him and he fell painfully on a cement floor. His back hit the ground with sounds of breaking bones yet he knew in some way that they were still intact. A light lit the gray floor, but nothing more and it was enough to see the other sitting on a rock with one leg drawn up to his chest. An elbow resting on the knee and chin in hand as an ear to ear twisted menacing grin was plastered on that face.

Deak.

His tormenter, his lotus, his puppeteer.

What now?

What was he going to have to endure now?

What sick little scheme did he have planned next because obviously that whole scene was his doing.

_'I hope you had fun, I know I did.' _he said never moving. Lavi stared blankly at the black ceiling above; his eye that was dull from the sadness and tears was now just a vacant filmed over green that saw nothing. He heard the other, the only thing he could do was listen to the other while he still felt his flesh being gnawed at. While he saw over and over again Kanda as nothing, but a moving corpse, a zombie.

Deak's grin turned into a grim line as his callous eye narrowed at the other's unresponsiveness. Unfolding himself in a flawless elegant manner he stalked over to the other. Displeasure turned the blood in his veins into a raging virus that wanted to hurt and break some poor being. Deak's green eye glowed with the anger pulsing inside his body. Falling to his knees on either side of Lavi's legs he crawled over the other's body with the charm of a lion. When Deak's face hover over an exact version of his own he leaned down, close enough so his lips brushed the other's.

_'What are you thinking about "Lavi"?'_ he asked with a sickening sweet tone. Lavi listened to the words and their timbre with a willing ear as they played an intimate dance with his thoughts. He did not answer because he knew Deak could see the very scenes that were playing in his mind. The reaper, Kanda's decaying corpse, and the feeling of being eaten.

Deak laughed loud and unrelenting with his head thrown back as he shuddered in pleasure from the utter pain that Lavi was in. Fingers slithered like snakes along the hammer wielding exorcist's chin before gripping it in a brutal hold. He turned and aligned Lavi's head so his dead eye looked at him. Deak leaned back down an inhumane smirk on his lips that were almost touching the pair beneath them.

_'Come on now you can tell me.'_

Nothing flickered or twitched in Lavi's lifeless green eye as Deak pushed. He saw nothing, nothing at all as he replayed that horror that would not leave. It was unthinkable and unreal, it was a sick fascination that only his tormenter, Deak, could come up with yet Lavi still believes it to be true, real. This only made Deak's smile grow wider and more callous as he grew more excited from the other's pain. Leaning down further he nuzzled his nose with Lavi's in an Eskimo kiss.

A little chuckle left his lips as he knew the perfect thing to get the other to response, something that would surely cause more sweet agony. Still gripping Lavi's chin Deak squeezed more to cause some physical pain as he licked a slow line from the other's jaw to his ear. An explosion ripped through the silence and over head orange and red fires mixed with grayish black smoke that blocked the ebony nothing. Screams of pain, death, and commanding orders took over with more explosions and gun fire. The image of soldiers racing across a battle field with their enemies burst forth.

Lavi's green eye twitched losing a bit of haze that dulled it as his whole body flinched from the screams and the feel of Deak's tongue on his flesh. Colors of uniforms changed as the people did, blending in with different battles from contrasting times. He saw and remembered these battles. Remembered all of them in sharp detail as well as the words he described some of the scenes in his logs. Lavi watched the unwanted flashbacks with helplessness.

The fires that he viewed as the flames of hell licked at the bodies of the dead and caught the cloth of the living in a fiery death attempt. So much pleasure and glee enveloped the other as he stared at Lavi, drank in his agony. Watched him wither with his _feeling _heart yet Deak sighed. This was something past, forgotten or pushed to the back of Lavi's mind just like his aliases. It shouldn't cause him distress even with his once again feeling heart.

Everywhere Lavi could see fires of hell rose and consumed many in their mad dash through bullets and shrapnel. He couldn't look away as he was mesmerized once again by the chaotic events and the soldiers' will. Going into this they knew they might die, might not make it back to their families and friends yet they still fought. He never understood what it was like for he was nothing but an observer to this never changing event.

A never changing event it was because to him war was still the same and would never cease. It would always happen no matter how many people want peace because there were people who would always find a new reason for war. Lavi could not grasp what those soldiers felt or the simple adrenalin associated with war until he to was on the front lines. Watching while participating was different and slightly more difficult.

He always had to stay focused on the_ Akuma _and keep track of his friends to aid them if they needed it. As well as record and commit everything to memory so he could write it in his logs later on. Lavi couldn't give in every time an emotion swelled inside him at the sight of Yuu being hurt. Running to the Japanese exorcist would not help anyone during a battle and could quite possible get someone killed. At these times he was thankful for his Bookman training because Lavi was able to push back his emotions. He was able to briefly panic before resuming focus without a second thought.

Then the aftermath of these small battles that would eventually lead to the major one, the one that decided everything was always heart choking. Scanning the fields with his lone green eye Lavi could feel his heart squeeze tightly in his chest as he hoped that none of his friends had gotten hurt or died. As Lavi's train of thought changed to his friends Deak changed the scenery above to fit appropriately. He nipped at the other's chin as he breathed in Lavi's pain like air and ate it to fill him like food.

It was growing, that ache that was created from a black spotted fear and he could now touch it as if it was solid. Above the sky was blood red and the clouds, trees, and ground were black. Fires still touched the image, but no unknown soliders ran across the field. No not unknown soldiers because he had known them, not personally but Lavi still knew their names and ranks. Everything he needed to know in order to record their causalities and deaths. Lavi counted and counted yet all he came up with was four bodies laying on the ground.

All of them wore exorcist uniforms and with each unique one he could identify each body. Lavi couldn't even remember how long he stared and study them. Almost impassively the hammer wielding exorcist named them in his head. Allen with his white hair that shimmered in the desolate surrounds. The boy's limbs were bent and twisted at odd angles as most of his hair covered his face. Yet Allen's mouth was clear to see as it was open in a silent scream.

Lenalee was curled into a ball, and her hair was singed in spots. A dark pool of blood surrounded her as it poured from the wound in her stomach as well as the cuts along her body. Everywhere he looked Lavi saw her clothes ripped in various places. He flinched a little at the next body that was impaled on a broken tree trunk. It was almost cut in half with the small size of the victim for the trunk was twice its size.

Bookman's black ringed eyes were veiled with the film of death as his accusing gaze stared at Lavi. Worthless, Pathetic all those feelings were coming back again as he stared right back. His heart clenched because no matter how difficult Bookman had been he was still the only family Lavi ever knew. Deak felt triumph as he watched a tear leaked from Lavi's visible eye.

It was working, he was bring back the pain that would power him. The agony that will give him the control he needed to throw the other over the edge into death. With each body he saw Lavi's eye dulled more and more; the green color becoming lighter and lighter until it would finally be the whiteness of death. The reaper could have his soul so long as Deak got to control the body.

Kory was next and it was more gruesome than Bookman. His body was completely cut in half with a perfect clean cut. Organs shriveling up in the air spilled out between the two pieces. The skin was wrinkled and had a wax look to it, almost as if all the blood had been drained from his body. A sob got caught in his throat and Lavi shut his eye not wanting to look any more.

Finger nails dug into his jaw as teeth sunk into his bottom lip causing blood to slip down his skin. The hammer wielding exorcist flinched at the bite as memories rose up in his mind. Memories of Kanda doing the exact same thing. All those precious moments he held close, despite the fact Kanda was mad most of those times, he still love them dearly. Lips brushed his ear before a tongue played with his earring. Lavi shivered with disgust as he tried to withdrawn from this world. Words stroked his ear drum before clawing at his brain with sharp claws.

_'Come on "Lavi" you know you want to look. You have to look.' _Deak paused as he let his breathe ghost over the other's ear. _'Because if you do not I will force you. I'll cut your eyelids off with a dull blade and I shall take pleasure in watching you squirm.'_

A deranged laugh echoed around the space of nothing and Lavi shook with tremors. Why was this happening? Lavi really wanted to know what he did to deserve this? Living with his love for Kanda these couple of years was a small piece of Heaven that sang within him, but that only darken the blackness that clung to him in many ways. This self hate was still new as it came in the form of Bookman warning him on that ship before the level three attacked.

Lately it seemed that everything was Bookman's fault. All this hate and hiding that just darken the black bits he was trying to get rid of. It was Lavi's fault as well and he knew it, oh he knew it more than anyone else; besides Bookman of course. Yet Bookman was playing another big role that was very obvious to see. He was the one that forced Lavi to hide his feelings and walk around with this despair.

Kanda was the only one he felt like he could go to in order to let some of these things out, to talk about them.

Kanda would understand, he always did, and he knew all about Lavi it seemed.

All that Bookman business the Japanese exorcist never liked yet he still helped. Normally Lavi would have gone to Bookman for help, granted he would have gotten scalded because he couldn't figure it out on his own, but this was more serious. Feelings of love, friendship, fear, and so much more. The old panda would have definitely been fend up with it after giving all those warnings that fell on deaf ears. Even through Lavi has been by his side for years he couldn't figure out what Bookman would do if he found out.

Would he force Lavi to leave?

Or would he take it to extremes and get rid of Lavi?

That was his biggest fear of all, Bookman killing him. Ridiculous it may seem, but Lavi would never put it past the old man. If finding a new apprentice was easy he thought Bookman would have gotten rid of him at the first signs that told he was feeling again. Breathing in a shaky breathe Lavi tried to think of something else, something he hadn't turned over in his mind a thousand times over. Something that wouldn't cause him any more turmoil. Long black silky locks and cold glaring sapphire eyes flashed in his mind. A smile touched his lips as he watched the images of his first weeks in the order.

If he wasn't with Lenalee or on a short mission then he was surely chasing after the phantom with long black hair. Lavi was never able to catch a good look at Kanda, always seeing his back or a flash of his hair before he turned a corner. At first he thought he might be going crazy which at that point made him laugh, but now at this moment Lavi was seriously considering it. Not once did he bring this subject up with Lenalee for he wanted to figure this out on his own. The first thing he did when Bookman gave him a break or sent him on an errand was look for this mystery. Always trying and failing to figure this long haired phantom out, but a month later luck was upon him.

Exactly one month, sixteen days, four hours, twenty-three minutes, and two seconds had come together and counted as his time in the Order so far. In that time he had gotten to know most of the members of the Black Order and gone on two petty mission that allowed him a taste of the true work exorcists do. It was on this day that he saw Lenalee talking to his phantom, who he had come to find out was named Kanda Yuu. Another exorcist of the Order who was the most famous among them for his 'grumpy' moods. It was a really simple find when he looked through the Order's exorcists files and listened to the gossip of the Finders.

The smile that was ever upon his lips as he walked down these halls grew wider at the chance of finally meeting his phantom, yet as expect the long haired exorcist was walking away. His back was always facing Lavi, not once did he get to see Kanda's face; this time was no different as he turned a corner. Lavi followed hoping to catch him, to talk, and make friends with this Kanda, just like he did with everyone else. It was his job after all and Bookman expected him to do his job. Fun and frivolous is what he was supposed to be as 'Lavi'.

Turning another corner he found that he actually lost this Kanda person. Begrudgingly he stood with a pout on his face while inside he raged at himself for being distracted so easily. Walking back the way he came Lavi went to the cafeteria, humming a little tune as he went along. And as he stepped through the archway luck smile upon him again as he saw very familiar long black hair. A mischievous smile lit up his face once and he entered the room to get his meal.

Still humming to himself Lavi walked to the very back corner of the cafeteria, carrying his tray of food. As he got a better look at the table he found that it was completely empty except for Kanda and as he walked by other tables he noticed many giving him frighten looks. Placing his tray on the table the redhead sat down and spoke.

"Hi ya I'm Lavi, What's your name?"

Of course he knew that from the Order's files and many of the members constant gossip. But if he were to go by the things he heard having the other introduce himself would have a more positive effect then a stranger coming up and talking to him like they have known one another for years. Which brought another thought to his mind for even though he had read Kanda's file Lavi could not get a good read on him. Usually that was one of the best ways for him to figure a person out besides actually meeting them, but here he sat hand out stretched for a handshake and he was being ignored.

Looking closer the redhead could see subtle signs of anger in the long haired exorcist's face. And finally he got a good look at the other's features, noticing Kanda's cold crystal sapphire eyes first. They held him in a locked glaze before the other looked away after giving a small glare. Next was the smooth pale porcelain skin that made him look like a fine ceramic doll. Lavi was slightly mesmerized by the way Kanda's long lashes brushed against his high cheek bones. Shaking his head to refocus on his reason for being here the redhead began munching on his own food.

"Are you friends with Lenalee too? I saw you talkin' with her earlier."

This earn him a harsher glare as Kanda sipped his tea before continuing to eat his_ Soba_. Still Lavi tried again because he would not fail to get to know this exorcist, that for reasons unknown intrigued him. He sighed, but strengthen his resolve before asking the next question.

"Do you even talk at all?" Lavi pouted before taking a bite of his toast. "I just want to know your name."

At this point Kanda sat with his eyes closed, teeth clenched, and hand tightly gripping his chopsticks. He was getting very irritated at being interrupted when all he wanted was a quiet meal. Sighing in an annoyed manner he decided to answer so he could get this _Baka_ to leave.

"Kanda."

"Huh?"

Lavi looked up with _yakiniku _sauce staining his mouth and eye wide. Glaring relentlessly at Lavi for his poor table manners the long haired exorcist gritted his teeth.

"My name is Kanda." he said with a slight growl.

Lavi wiped the sauce off his face before smiling at the other.

"Nice to meet ya."

After that first meeting in the back of the cafeteria, Lavi found it easier to find Kanda. He spent his free time chasing after the silent exorcist and annoying him to his best ability. A few times he got the other mad enough to draw the sword he always held by his waist yet it wasn't till a few weeks after the cafeteria scene did he slip up.

Two slip ups in one week, in one _day_, had Lavi's heart transforming even more than it already was in the presence of his long haired phantom. And even though Kanda was not a phantom anymore he would forever and always _be_ the redhead's apparition. His first mistake came in the form of a name which enraged Kanda to the point of injury.

"What did you call me?" The Japanese exorcist growled through clenched teeth.

His hands on _Mugen_ tighten till their color whitens to that of a dead corpse. Throwing up his hands in surrender the redhead beamed a shaky smile and slowly backed away.

"Y-Yuu?"

Vehemence exploded in a fury of sparks that danced in the sapphire gems of Kanda's eyes. Grabbing the other Kanda threw him against the wall, hissing through his teeth.

"Do. Not. Call. Me. That."

Lavi gulped uncertainly for his Bookman training taught him to protect his life no matter what yet it also stressed the importance of information. And he was sure that a secret lie underneath this just waiting for him to pick at like an itching wound.

"Why not? That's your name isn't it." Lavi stared back at the other. "Why don' you want me to call you Yuu?"

The redhead found the blade of _Mugen_ pressed against his throat and held close to his jaw. Taking in a breathe the blade nick the edge of his flesh causing a dot of blood to raise on his skin. Closing his visible green eye the redhead tried to relax the tension in his body. A deep throated growl came from in front of him as he was pushed further against the wall and the blade pressed closer to his neck.

"We're not friends that's why."

The redhead opened his eye to look at the long haired exorcist as he heard the lie fall from those supple lips with such graceful ease.

His phantom was a master at lies, he was almost as good as Lavi but almost wasn't good enough. It was painfully clear that he was lying, dispite the fact that the redhead was also a master at figuring out lies. It was easy to see that there was another reason that he didn't want to be called by his first name. True enough it was that the two of them were not friends in anyway. They had only just met and although Lavi shadowed him every chance the hammer wielding exorcist could get, there was no denying the lack of knowledge they had of each other.

Not even with the incessant babble could he get Kanda to talk. Or give something away about himself that didn't involved his violent side Lavi knew all too well. Nope there was definitely another reason underneath that impeccable lie and being who he was pretending to be, he had to let the other know he knew.

"But you and Lenalee are friends and she doesn' call you Yuu?" Lavi smiled as he saw sapphire eyes narrow to slits and jaw muscles clench even tighter. The hand holding _Mugen_ was as white as a sheet before it began shaking with tremendous restraint. He studied the infuriated expression on Kanda's face wanting to remember this countenance. A lone emerald eye was draw to the sight of the other callously biting his lower lip.

Sparks striking against wood will eventually light a fire with the branches of trees welcoming the dying warmth. The first set of sparks never catches for the wood waits wanting to prolong one of its final deaths. Showers upon showers must attack before it finally gives in and sometimes the wood plays tricks as it lights for a couple seconds only to extinguish itself. For Lavi those sparks started the first time he saw the graceful figure turn a corner and every time after that.

Naturally the second set was caused by the constant view of those long silky black locks that made his fingers inch. The shower that lit for a few moments was his first face to face meeting. Another spark for every time he saw those harden sapphire eyes. Every minute of every day he saw Kanda he was rained on by pouring sparks waiting for him to catch. It was a mystery in itself that he lasted this long without another quick catch or fully burning to embers. Yet as he stayed pressed against the wall watching those teeth gnawed that soft supple lip Lavi wasn't able to stay extinguished any longer.

Kanda was inches away from his own face, but he was close enough that if the redhead leaned forward those two extra inches a caress was possible. The problem was _Mugen_ resting in between, so close to his flesh. With a vulpine look etching its way onto his face Lavi tried to calculate the possibility of cutting his throat to deep.

_'Not much,' _he thought _'At least I won't kill myself.'_

Disregarding any punishment that Bookman might give he leaned forward feeling the sting of metal cut into his flesh. In a swift movement the redhead captured the long haired exorcist's lips with his own. And he finally burned, he finally caught the winning shower of sparks that ignited his wooden heart. Warmth tingled along Lavi's lips before spreading to the rest of his being. It took control of his limbs as his arms encircled the other and his fingers threaded through soft velvet locks.

Opening his lips he ran his tongue along Kanda's own velour ones. He didn't silently ask for entrance, no he just wanted to get a little taste of the other. A taste is exactly what he got too as he loosened that bottom lip from the long haired exorcist's own teeth and bit into it himself. Sweet, sweet metallic sugar was the flavor of the crimson liquor that flowed on his tongue in a tiny stream.

The redhead lapped up the excess elixir before pulling away. A warm sticky wetness coated his neck as a sharp twinge jolted through his flesh. Gently he untangled his fingers from long black strands before lightly clasping Kanda's hands. Pushing them away he freed himself from _Mugen's_ threat and the grip on his shirt collar.

It seemed that his phantom was stunned into stillness as he stood like a statue staring at the same spot Lavi just vacated. The flames that were burning brightly were dying down, but not fast enough. Smirking with another vulpine guise the redhead walked away with hands in his pockets. Yet there was an itching inside him that eroded his silence that was filled with too much glee to keep.

Lavi knew how to shut his mouth, knew when it was time to stop taking every time a situation like that arose. This was one of those times yet because he was 'Lavi' he pushed until something gave way to end his constant chatter. Undeterred by the rage kept at bay by the shock the redhead called to the other with a smirk on his lips and hands cupped around his mouth.

"Nice chatin' with ya, Yuu-chan."

And as Kanda began to chase after him, Lavi saw the reaper for the first time. He froze in place watching the slightly see-through black mass with a calculating Bookman eye. Coming up with no logical explanation only intrigued and drew him closer to Kanda Yuu. His analyzation came at a price though as he lost the head start he needed and began running a few moments too later. Emerald eye widening in a splash of fear, Lavi tried to reach the library; a welcoming sanctuary that held Bookman within. Of course the redhead didn't make it and ended up with a sliced cheek and broken arm to go with the wound on his neck.

_'Come on "Lavi", come out of your memories and play with our friends,' _Deak broke through. '_Their dying to play with you just like I am.'_

The sounds and sights of his past faded away as Deak's voice pulled him to the surface of his hell. Silence met his ringing ears for he was use to the constant sounds of the Order. Blackness met his eye as it hid beneath his eyelid to save him for the sight of the puppeteer. Slowly Lavi began registering the changes that materialized about him. The smells of death and decay were stronger than its non-existent counterpart from before. A heavy weight seemed to sit on his hips and Deak's voice sounded from further away.

_'I know Kanda is __**dying**__ to play with you. Aren't you Kanda.'_

The weight on him shifted as rotting breathe ghosted over his face. A gurgling hiss came from above Lavi, too close from above. Gelatin fingers caress his cheeks and hair with loving tenderness. He shivered with a veiled sickness as the skin of one finger ripped causing bone to scrape his cheek. Small things fell in his hair as well as his face before thrashing about wildly. The gurgle morphed into an asphyxiated purr.

Unwillingly he opened his emerald green eye to look upon the falling face and empty eye sockets of Kanda's corpse. It seemed to brighten with child-like mirth as Lavi stared at it with fear yet it appeared happy to just have him looking upon its face. The corpse lays his body against the redhead with arms around the other's neck in an embrace. Putrid, decaying, rotting air surrounded him as a tear slipped from his emerald eye.

Fear was falling away now as he adapted to the death appearance of his beloved phantom. Sadness entered him as the full force of meaning behind this guise spread through his mind like a disease. Death was laughing at him, it was finding amusement in his pain that came from unrequited love because of their situations. Wrapping his own arms around the moving corpse he cried and sobbed again without holding back.

Lavi didn't care that the smell was choking him or that the maggots were filling his hair. This was his last choice to hold his Yuu-chan before he really did disappear like the phantom the redhead once thought he was. Kanda nuzzled against his neck smearing it with dirt and blood. It raised its head moments later to press blacken decomposing lips to the redhead's. Lavi accepted, going so far as to kiss back. This was for Kanda. This was for him to carry off into the dying abyss. Everything was forgotten for a time yet it all came back when Deak spoke again.

_'That's so sweet. Do you have anything else to give to him and your friends.'_

Pulling away to look at Deak he saw the mangled bodies of his friends surrounding him. Allen with his bent and twisted limbs staring at him with completely white eyeballs and silent screams covering from an open mouth. Lenalee bloodied from the vast cuts and burns that melted her skin. Singed black hair fell from her head as her ripped clothes sagged against her in a vain attempt at keeping her covered.

Bookman stared at him with the look of death amidst his filmed over eyes. A gigantic hole, that almost took over his entire top half, had strings of flesh and muscle dangling in the middle. Kory stood with both halves of his body separated. Skin sagged off his bones bringing forth their stark whiteness.

The fear was back as he watched them, as was the nausea that had vanished. His skin took on a greenish color as he looked them over trying to understand the how and why. Kanda, who was once again straddling his thighs, attempted to smooth away his distress by caressing his hair. That child-like confusion was back in those empty eye sockets as he tilted his head.

Why was this happening?

Why wasn't he like the others?

Why was he the only one who hadn't died?

Questions were assaulting Lavi again and his brain was soon becoming nothing more than soupy mush. Two sets of laughter had him solemnly looking over to where Deak stood and the sight before him completely erased all thought from mind. With an arm thrown around Deak, who was laughing cruelly, stood the Millennium Earl. Tyki Mikk leaned against the rock that Deak once sat on and Road Kamelot took that place as she poked Tyki's arm in a bored manner.

Where the scenes of his past records played out there was a red sky and black moon. Fires still swayed back and forth as they consumed the world with the help of the Noah clan. Exorcists fell and Innocents was destroyed as countless victims were turned into _Akuma_. Some were spared that path as they were crushed by the rubble falling or burned to the ground where they stood.

_'They ending of the world isn't so bad "Lavi",' _Deak whispered alluringly._ 'You could have your wish then, to end your life. To be spare from your heartache.'_

The smile that followed those words had Lavi recoiling from the cold-blooded visions it held. Sitting up he enclosed the Kanda corpse in another embrace. He just wanted to get away, to get away from this madness. This insane illusion of a possible future he wished not to imagine. Deak laughed loud and hard again at his thoughts and actions. There seemed to be an inside joke, there always seemed to be one. Something that Deak knew and he did not.

Clinging to Kanda even tighter he lost himself in his troubled mind. Un-like the real warm and alive Yuu this one did not hold back his mind's constant ramblings. Clear emerald was once again a muddy jade as Lavi allowed the black spots inside of himself to grow. He retreated into the intoxicating past that allowed the opportunity Deak wanted. With a flick of his wrist to the unseeing black holes of Kanda's eyes he gave a silent order.

Lavi was in the library of the Order reading a book as he rested his head in Kanda's lap. Lithe fingers ran through his bright red hair and a smile was on his face. The Japanese exorcist was leaning against a bookshelf with his eyes closed in a peaceful rest. One of their free moments, more like Kanda's free moment for Lavi was reading a book that Bookman had told him to memorize, that had a care free air. He loved these moments with Yuu for they seemed so surreal he almost thought he was dreaming. Putting the book down Lavi wrapped his arms around the other's waist and snuggled his face into...

Pain flared though his chest waking the redhead with such abruptness that he gasped. Seeing with an unveiled eye he screamed as the agony passed his limits. He could hear the munching sound of the corpse eating his neck as the gelatin fingers groped inside his chest. A hand gripped his heart, squeezing it with just enough force to stutter its movements for a few seconds. Lavi felt like he couldn't breathe as air escaped him with dizzying affects.

Kanda pulled at his heart slowly moving it toward the gaping wound in his chest that the corpse's arm slithered out inch by inch. Tears leaked from his eyes as white and black dots swam in his vision. Hearing was dulled has the beating of his heart overwhelming every other sound. It drowned out the pleasured hisses from his friends' moving corpses as well as Deak's laughter. That was joined by the Earl, Tyki, and Road.

White hot pain ached throughout his body yet he moved his head to look between him and Kanda. The corpse's hand was emerging from his chest covered in blood that was a dark red. And soon his heart was beating in front of his eye with a frantic rhythm he could still feel. Kanda ran his fingers over it lovingly before looking at Lavi. Those black eyeless holes appeared solemn and apologetic while the fingers running over his heart lifted to caress his cheek.

The back of grimy moving fingers soothed him as the his green eye dulls with the lifelessness of death. Lavi watched each beat of his heart become slower and slower fully aware that soon it would stop. Black formless shadows rose around him, transforming into chains that attached to his flesh. The reaper's giggles and laughter boomed in his ears making him become deaf. Yet no matter how much sound fell away the reaper's mirth still reached him with a passion. Fingers that were once ice to the touch became warm again as they brushed his nose lightly. Words in a raw throaty whisper kissed his ears just like the lips touching his own.

_'Don't worry your heart will be safe with me, my Baka Usagi.'_

The sound barrier shattered and thunderous sounds underlaid his own screams of pain. Deak watched with itching glee that made him want to dance about. Soon, oh so soon he would have control of Lavi's body. Dark shades covered the redhead's eye as Lavi felt himself sink into the ground. Over his screams he heard the cruel voice of Deak whisper words in a chilling wind.

_'I love to hate you, "Lavi". I love to hate you.'_

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The second part is finally done! I didn't finish it as quick as I wanted too, but I finished it faster then I thought I was going finish it. I didn't really like this one if I'm going to be honest, but I hope you did and I want to thank those who reviewed on the first chap.^^

Please review and tell me what you think

~XxSebastin'sXLittleXRobinxX

I'm sorry for any spelling/grammar errors


	3. Chapter 3

_Delirium or Insanity?_

_Chapter, 3_

His screams awoke everyone in the vicinity. They awoke and kept awake the patients resting around him. Thrashing limbs and a jerking body were oblivious to their surroundings as their owner's mind succumbed to tormented dreams. The nurses tried in vain to calm the redhead down. With sweet voices they attempted to soothe and wake him from whatever disturbed his rest.

Nothing could be done to quiet the Bookman Successor. Nothing could reach him and no one could shake him awake with his body flaring about. Each scream was heart wrenching and ear splitting as they rose in volume. It was clear that his throat was becoming raw as those screams grew raspy.

Standing back with a look of worry on her face was the Head Nurse who turned over every possible solution in her mind. And besides her with a hand over their mouth in horror was Lenalee. Tears fell from her wide eyes as she tried to hold back sobs. Even from were she stood, Lenalee could see the wet tracks that fell from Lavi's own eyes. The fragile girl shook every time she remembered the way he was found.

Lavi had been seen walking through the halls with his back hunched over. One arm was raised as his fingers ran along the Order's stone walls, the other hung uselessly at his side. His whole body swayed back and forth with every step he took. Trudging, shuffling feet moved forward as if they were buried and he could not lift them. Red locks were disheveled in an unkempt manner while sweat clung to every strand. Every so often the light would reflected on his sunken skin causing people passing by to see the sweat that also ran down his flesh. It made his clothes damp and his body slightly chill as a daft calmly blew by him.

Tears leaked from a murky eye that was veiled over with a white haze. That bright shining emerald color was nowhere to be seen. Finders, Exorcists, and members of the science department passed by with a sense of quiet fear and a bit of disturbing unease. Constant mumbling rants that spilled from ever moving lips is what had everyone feeling that sweeping hand of agitation. No one could decipher these quiet ravings, these spoken delusions. Yet often mention was the name Yuu or Yuu-chan as were the constant muttered words of love. A few times here and there a very quick mention of a reaper passed the redhead's lips.

It was thought in almost every mind who had seen Lavi in this state that the hammer wielding exorcist had finally succumbed to madness. Many tired to help, to try and see if he could be brought back to some sort of reality, but he just kept walking along ignoring all that spoke to him. And if any person attempted to touch him then Lavi would violently lash out without missing a beat in his talk.

The only one who steadily worked at getting the other to come back was Allen, who was successful for only brief moments. As the white haired exorcist chattered aimless to an inattentive Lavi he puts a hand on the redhead's shoulder. Slowly, but surely he steered the other to the infirmary. A couple times the redhead had stopped and looked around in a confused manner before continuing on the path Allen was directing him on. Unfortunately they never made it for on their way they had to pass Kanda's room, who at the moment was on a mission. The very soft fragrance of lotus flowers twirled around Lavi's nose and called out to him.

"Yuu!"

His eyes briefly showed through the fog as an olive green that was muddled and held a child-like happiness. Turning his head so Kanda's door was not on his blind side the redhead took a deep breathe of that twirling fragrance. Stepping closer Lavi rested a clammy forehead on the door. Fingertips brushed the glossy surface as nails clawed at the wood.

"Yuu, I want to see you." He paused waiting for the door to open, waiting to see sharp blue eyes and an annoyed express on a flawless face.

"Please open the door, Yuu-chan."

Allen stood back and watched in a solemn silence. What was happening to his friend? His gray eyes held confusion, sadness, and worry as he continued to watch the redhead claw at Kanda's door while pleading to be let in. Stepping forward he replaced his hand on Lavi's shoulder in hopes of getting his attention. That lone weeping eye that had a frantic look in it briefly looked to him before turning away.

"Lavi, Kanda isn't here. He's on a mission and I don't think he would want you to go in his room while he's away."

Desperately the hammer wielding exorcist shook his head back and forth causing his loose red locks to sway. The tips of his fingers were slightly bleeding from the way he constantly mauled the dark wood. A hysteria of panic and fear bubbled up within Lavi and grew until it filled him up. One more push, one more push and that bubble would pop releasing all the torment he held in for years. If he didn't get in that room _right now_, that bubble would pop regardless. Mindlessly he talked to Allen in a frantic hurried fashion before slipping back into another world.

"No, Yuu-chan is here. Yuu will open up for me. He will, I know he will."

Those words circled in his own head turning around and around creating a false truth he wanted to believe, he had to believe.

_'Because Yuu loves me and he'll open it. I'll fix whatever I did and he knows it. He'll open the door.'_

"Please Yuu, I'm sorry!"

The sorrow, the hysteria was all too much as he began to bang on the door with his fists. Calling out even louder now as his emotions threaten to consume him. Finders, a few exorcist, and anyone else close by stopped or paused in their actions to see the commotion. Their hearts became heavy as they watched the disarrayed redhead, not fully understanding but feeling the emotions that rolled off him in waves. Lavi's whole body shook violently as that bubble in him popped with his denial. Not once did he move away or stop banging on the door as tears slipped from his eyes.

Allen tried to pull Lavi away, tried to get him to move away from the Japanese exorcist's door and make him believe that Kanda really was not here at the moment. Everything he did was just a senseless action as the other pushed him away each time. It seemed that the redhead would not budge until he got inside that room, until he was shown that no one was in there. In a passing thought he hope that when Kanda got back he would be in a good mood or so tired that he won't notice his soon to be broken door. Invoking Crown Clown he carefully moved a protesting Lavi before breaking the lock on the door.

_'God I really hope Kanda doesn't figure out I did this.' _Allen thought as he released the redhead.

Striding over to the now open door Lavi went straight into the Japanese exorcist's room calling out to him in a broken voice.

"Yuu...Yuu, I'm sorry for whatever I did." He paused as he stopped in the middle of the barren room. "Yuu? Where are you, Yuu?"

Holding his hands in front of him like a shield the redhead franticly looked around. The scent of the lotus was stronger and tantalizing as it enveloped his form. Softly it calmed him as he sank to his knees in despair. Yet as calming as this smell is, it was just a smell that clung to Kanda and not Kanda himself. It could only do so much while its owner was away. The mumbling started again as Lavi's knees hit the floor with a light thud. His world, his reality was crashing around him and Kanda, his Yuu-chan was no where in sight.

Worry was being permanently in grain in his being the more he watched Lavi. What happened to make him like this? It couldn't be Kanda leaving because he was coming back and the redhead had never acted like this before when the other was away on missions. What did Kanda do to make Lavi like this and was this even Kanda's fault?

Allen took one step into the room before stopping. He wasn't afraid of the Japanese exorcist finding out that he was in his room, no he was not. Allen was afraid of making the wrong move and breaking Lavi into unmendable glass shards covered in ruby red blood. With his gray eyes he could already see some of the broken pieces on the floor, pieces he wasn't sure could be put back together again. Pieces he wasn't sure he caused to break.

There was a commotion behind the white haired exorcist that caused him to look away from the distressing redhead. The small crowd that had jammed the hallway was being shoved away as a small figure emerged. Dark gray almost black eyes that were outlined in thick black circles of make-up stared at Allen with an expressionless guise. And that was all the acknowledgement the Destroyer of Time received as Bookman walked passed him. Allen watched as the old man stood in front of a kneeing Lavi, who now had his hands covering his face.

The redhead was shaking worse than before yet was so silent, so silent he was, that if he wasn't shaking Allen would have thought the worst. Quietly Bookman studied his apprentice, observed him as he broke down. Just like any other time he was expressionless and seemingly unfeeling. The perfect explain of what a true succeeding Bookman should be, should portray. Lavi was heedless to those around him, to enclosed in his emotional hysteria to see them yet he was very aware of the room. Very aware of the lotus's presence and smell as well as Kanda's existence that stained and emitted from every surface.

Lavi was drowning.

Lavi could not breathe.

Repeatedly, constantly he warned his apprentice not to get attached. He lectured about being just an observer yet it seemed all this went unheeded. Being a skilled acupuncturist he knew all the acupuncture points, he had to know in order to perform a treatment. He knew what each point did and therefore could help Lavi if only for sometime. Of course he would need to do this without his needles, but applying enough pressure to one of those points would work the same way. Quickly yet skillfully he located a point that would calm the redhead down and pressed it.

It was a firm but light pressure that had Lavi slowly relaxing as it relieved his hysteria. Wet tracks still coursed down his cheeks as he raised his head, reluctantly, to look at Bookman. There was nothing on the old panda's face that would indicate some small sign of what the other was thinking. Lavi's mind was clear and the full impact of what he was doing hit him like an_ akuma _bullet. The feeling of despair was made even worse with the presence of Bookman. It was over, it was finally plain to see and out in the open. His feelings for Kanda, which he had no doubt Bookman already knew about, were confirmed.

Tension filled the air as the seconds ticked by filled with the overpowering memories of Kanda. Memories of times he spent with the Japanese exorcist and times he spent alone when the other was on a mission. Just like a few other places in the Order, Kanda's room was his personal sanctuary. Phantom pictures of them on the long haired exorcist bed appeared.

Kanda's face held a solemn anger that was perfected by the fragile frown on his lips. While the phantom Lavi sat on the edge with his head in his hands. Red locks were loose and covering his features. He remembered what was happening here, it was the first time he told Kanda about his troubles. About his troubles of failing as a Bookman in so many ways it was dizzying.

"All you can do is try your best to work pass it, to become better than these issues and defeat them. It is your life, Lavi and if that life chooses you to have a heart down a path where none should exist then you must learn to embrace it. Not all of us can be heartless. Those of us who cannot just have to learn when it is time to use that heart and when it is time to push it away no matter how much it may hurt at the time."

Kanda's fingers ran through red strands as he closed his sapphire eyes. The anger was gone now and was replaced with a fragile sadness that only Lavi could see. A sadness that paints the most beautiful, ethereal look he ever saw on the Japanese exorcist's face. He stared and stared using his Bookman eye to commit the painting into his memory perfectly as it now sat. Kanda was always able to wear sadness like an angel was able to wear wings. If Lavi had to admit it then he would definitely say that sadness was the most immaculate expression the long haired exorcist could ever wear. Not even happiness looked this perfect on his porcelain features.

"Having a heart doesn't make you a failure, Lavi."

The redhead could feel the hysteria rise inside himself again as Kanda's words drifted away. Looking into the dark eyes of Bookman, Lavi felt his own green one widen. Hoarsely he whispered words that were similar to the ones he spoke just before they arrived in Edo, Japan. Words that he spoke as he watched Anita and her crew crumble, so similar they were yet not.

"I can't do it," He shook his head back and forth franticly "I can't do it, Gramps."

The old panda did nothing, but watch as his apprentice fell even further into a cruel world full of attachments. A world full of ties that were tangled like a spider's web. A web that was full of lies and most coming from the redhead himself. The small fragile form that once looked so strong and so tall shook with pitiful tremors. He wrapped his arms around his body in that self-conscious useless way of trying to feel safer. It did not work, not for Lavi. The fears he faced mostly came from within.

His hold on reality was slipping away from him, once again something was calling him back to a cold place full of pain. The redhead could feel it even if he couldn't see it. Ramblings started again yet this time it was the repeated words 'I can't do it'. Allen, who stood in the doorway the whole time, took a few steps toward the despairing redhead.

A friend was in trouble, a friend was hurting and like always he was going to be there to help. Yet a piercing glare from Bookman had him pausing in his steps. Shaking his head the old man told him that Lavi was beyond their help if they could help him at all. Anger rose in him, anger that was direct at three people he saw were to blame.

First there was Bookman. Bookman had, in Allen's eyes, forced Lavi to grow cold and detached. To him it was Bookman who made the other so troubled as he fought with himself repeatedly. Allen could see it, he could at times see this struggle the redhead went through when, on those rare occasions, he let his guard down. It pained the white haired exorcist every time he saw even if he could not understand.

Secondly there was Kanda because whatever was happening to the other it was obvious that it was his fault. Lavi was fine, Lavi was perfect until things between the two seemed to become closer than a normal friendship. The Japanese exorcist had always seemed to know more about the redhead than anyone else. Not once did the hammer wielding exorcist ask Allen for advice that was completely serious. Not once did Lavi fully open up to him because no matter how long he knew the other, Allen never really _knew _him. It was just little things that everyone could see and little things that the redhead let people see. Lavi's actions and words had a sense of eerie perfectness that held a precise manner.

And lastly he blamed himself for not pushing and asking enough. For not making the other tell him what was really going on. At that last thought Allen was pulled from his thoughts as Lavi screamed and sobbed. More words came out of that jumbled mess that was almost hopeless to decipher yet these words rang clear.

"I can't do it...I can't do it, Yuu-chan!"'

Bookman decided then that observing and playtime was over. If he didn't do something now than Lavi would be broken forever and that he couldn't afford. Swiftly he jabbed two fingers into the side of the redhead's neck causing him to stop mid scream and slip into unconsciousness. After that Allen picked up Lavi and carried him on his back with some difficulties as Bookman followed close behind. They brought him to the infirmary where he lay unconscious for a few hours.

Nurses checked on him throughout that time and so did Bookman, neither of them could figure out what was happening to Lavi. Sweat misted his skin as he began to thrash around on the bed. Terrible dreams, horrorific nightmares plagued the redhead. He whimpered, called out to Kanda, and then begin to scream again.

_'Of all times,' _Lenalee thought _'Of all times why did this happen now. Why now when Kanda is away?'_

Lavi's only savior was not here. Everyone could see that Kanda would be the only one to bring the redhead back. If it wasn't for the simple obvious fact that came in the form of the other's screams then it was because everyone had tired to talk to him. Tried to get Lavi to listen to a familiar friendly voice yet he still did not response to anyone. Lenalee looked at the Head Nurse with wide watery eyes.

"Can't you do something. Can't you help him or at least calm him down." she pleaded.

It was too much and she couldn't take it anymore. His screams, cries were becoming unbearable yet she wouldn't leave. Lenalee would never leave someone who was hurt especially if it was a friend, part of her world. Hours, its been hours since he came out of his unconscious state and all everyone did was mill about and talk. She was getting frustrated at the way the nurses refused to give him anything that might help. And Bookman couldn't help if his apprentice kept flailing around.

It was then that the Head Nurse decided to sedate Lavi. The past hours did not help anyone and only made things worse especially for the redhead. Walking over to a room full of supplies she grabs a syringe and a bottle full of clear liquid. With eyes full of sadness at having to be cruel she measured out the right amount. It was the right thing to do now, this was the right thing to do.

Sedating him would allow the nurses and Bookman to get close so he can be examined. Doing this she could be stopping any further damage he might cause to himself as well as others. It could very well hold off whatever was tormenting the poor redhead. This would also stop his screams that would forever haunt everyone present.

"Try to hold him down for a bit."

All the nurses gathered around him and grabbed a part of his body. Wrists, elbows, knees, ankles, shoulders, and hips. Many hands held Lavi for the Head Nurse while everyone else watched. They felt so useless, Allen and Lenalee did. So useless as they stood and watched their friend be sedated because he was suffering from something unknown. Something that only Lavi could tell them about yet was to far into his mind to offer any help. Something that Kanda could possible help solve yet he was on a mission. This seemed so hopeless as they watched the redhead's struggles become stilled movements.

_'So hopeless,' _Allen thought. _'When did we start to lose hope?'_

If hope was hard to find in this situation then what did that say about their hope for the war?

Could they find some, somewhere inside themselves like usual or was it all gone?

Was their hope really resting in the hands of Kanda Yuu who could very well be millions of miles away?

The sobbing near the white haired exorcist only despaired him more as he walked over to his fragile companion. He placed a hand on her shoulder in comfort as right before her eyes a piece of her world was falling apart. It felt awful not being able to help his friends and be at a loss on how to comfort them. There was no other way Allen could comfort Lenalee. The only ones who could relieve her sadness were already doing all they could. And until Kanda came back there was no way he was going to believe that he was the _only _one who could help.

Bookman walked up to the redhead's bedside while pulling out his acupuncture needles. Removing Lavi's shirt he slowly, carefully went to work. With each needle that was inserted he prayed that his apprentice was not to far gone. He hoped that the redhead could be saved from his own mind yet hope only went so far.

Everyone waited as Bookman tended to Lavi. Allen and Lenalee waited and watched while some like Kory stood outside the infirmary waiting for news. Any news that would allow them to breathe easier, news that would up lift their somber mood. Yet hours passed without a single word and silence stretched among everyone. The silence was as unbearable, if not more so, than Lavi's screams. Not knowing anything tugged at everyone, not knowing was the worst. For them not knowing and having that helpful knowledge could be the decider between success and failure. It could very well be the decider between life and death.

Yet everyone in that room was oblivious to the shadow that hung over head. The very reaper that clung to Kanda at all times. It had come now to check on his beloved redhead, his second victim, his plaything. With cruel amusement the reaper laughed until those giggles turned into barking coughs. Even in his haunting nightmares Lavi could smell the reaper's rank breathe as it leaned over him.

* * *

I hope you enjoyed the three chapter and please review^^ They really do help push me to write more and faster. Also I want to thank everyone who has review.

If any mistakes appear I apologize.

~XxSebastin'sXLittleXRobinxX


	4. Chapter 4

_Delirium or Insanity?_

_Chapter, 4_

With his chin resting in the palm of his hand he watched the scenery pass outside. The train moved quickly causing the scenes outside to blur and this was not knew to him. Every train caused the outside world to blur as they passed, sometimes it made his head spin. Yet despite the blurring scenery and fast moving pace, this train could not move fast enough for Kanda Yuu. Annoyance and irritation were permanently etched onto his face and sat there since the first twenty minutes into his journey home.

It was bad enough that he had to stay an extra week in Florence because he had to destroy every last_ akuma _in the area. But he just had to get injured on top of that which slowed down his journey home even more. Two months in that city had been enough for him especially since his mission was only supposed to last a month. It was safe to say that Kanda was not in the mood for anymore delays or useless company. As odd as it was for him to admit all he wanted was to go back to the Order and get some rest. Maybe if he wasn't too tired from this long journey he could get some _Soba_ after giving his report to Komui. Yet rest seemed better at the moment then a good meal.

For the past couple of weeks Kanda had not been able to sleep. Though on a mission he was always alert which did make sleep difficult he at least could get a few hours repose. Dreams, nightmares he supposed they were infested his every resting period. This was the biggest reason that his mission lasted for so long.

Being tired and distracted only hindered him during battle and his searches. The long haired exorcist had gone through hell the past two months as his mind seemed to split in two. One part wanting to quickly finish so he could go back to the Order. While the other part was worried about what these dreams could possibly mean. It was how he got severely injured for at the time he lost focus for one split second.

The air around him had been cool as it lightly blew in constant streams. Snow blanketed the ground and crunched under his boots. Kanda was chasing around an _akuma_ that had open fired at him a few moments ago. A coward this level two was for it didn't even wait to see if the attack hit before running off. Sapphire eyes kept a close watch on its back while being open to the trees that surrounded them. He was the only one on this mission and the report that was given to him had mention that more than one _akuma_ was in the area. All of them at least were level two yet the Finders that watched this city suspected there was a level three, so being ever alert Kanda made sure to watch his back.

_Mugen_ was held firmly in his hand waiting patiently until it was time to take down the enemy. Long black locks were being strew about his head and swayed in his vision for just a second. Pushing himself more Kanda began to run faster as he came closer to the_ akuma _in front of him. Each step he took, each second that passed brought him closer and as he got closer the Japanese exorcist activated _Mugen_. White flakes of snow began to fall from the gray clouds that had gathered in the sky. It wasn't a light flurry yet it was not a massive storm as they drifted down to earth in a lazy fashion. He could see through the flakes that the_ akuma _had stopped ahead and was now facing him.

A mouthful of fangs, a swishing tail, and powerful body that was held by four legs gave this monster a feline yet almost canine look. A set of ears sat upon its head, twitching back and forth. Sliver metal made up its body instead of fur, metal that was hard to break through; Kanda knew because he had tried to attack earlier only to do little damage. With its screeching voice the_ akuma _growled while staring at him with red piercing eyes. It was backed up against a cliff yet surround by trees. The trees were everywhere as well as in Kanda's way.

Each one made a barrier between him and the _akuma_ which caused more irritation and anger to bubble inside him. Having to dodge them was a complete pain especially with the snow covering the ground as well as the flakes falling from the sky. Everything was silent around him, nothing made a sound. This_ akuma _was the only one in the surrounding area. If it wasn't then he would have picked up on any others that lurked around by now.

Sharply turning to the right he released _Kaich__ū Ichigen _before jumping to the side to attack while it was distracted; he would not allow it time to attack because there was no time. Time was never a thing he could spare or use wantonly. Sapphire eyes watched the insects attack the _akuma_ with no affect at all. He was about to active his second illusion, _Nigentou_, when he had the odd sense of déjà vu. Looking at his surrounds with a better view Kanda was dragged under the current of his worrying mind. The long haired exorcist lost focus on the battle as his mind produced a scene from one of many recent nightmares.

Lavi stood at the edge of the cliff as wind whipped around his red hair. That solitary green eye was dull and lifeless as it stared out at the massive drop. Tears were running down his face in constant streams while snow fell around him. His skin was tinted a light blue from the cold that nipped at his flesh yet he didn't seem to mind. Pain was painted with highlighted colors on the redhead's face making Kanda's heart throb inside his chest. Lavi looked right at the long haired exorcist with a fake somber smile on his face before giving a wave.

Screaming he tried to reach the redhead with outstretched hands. Kanda called out his name, told him to wait and not to be stupid. Everything he could think of he tried to say, but it was no use. It was too late. Lavi jumped without a care in the world. The clouds engulfed him like a final coffin that was slammed shut.

Pain exploded in Kanda's side causing the past dream to fade away. Dots of red blood sprayed his vision as the liquid ran down his body, soaking his clothes. Sharp metal claws stuck in his being and cut his organs to shreds. Bones where broken under the strain of the blow. Slowly he began to slide off the _akuma's_ claws with suction squelching that pulled at his flesh. Crimson stained the white snow that was once pure yet his sapphire eyes barely saw through his blurred vision. He wasn't going to give up, not yet, not when the _akuma_ still lived.

Raising his arm that held _Mugen_ the Japanese exorcist brought it down on the claws that held him. It screeched with an ear piercing sound as its 'skin' was sliced apart. Kanda fell to the ground, landing on his feet with shaky legs. No time, there was still no time as he watched the_ akuma _thrash around destroying trees. Activating_ Nigentou _he ran toward the flailing body before jumping into the air to gat a better angle of attack. Crimson blood was falling everywhere as it came from his deep gash and the_ akuma's _paw. Black spots danced in his vision making it difficult to see, but he locked his sight onto its head as he swing both blade's down.

Everything after that was hard to recall as he fell to the cold ground and slowly became covered in snow. A warm pool was forming around him as he still bled from the wound that hadn't started to heal yet. The explosion that signaled the_ akuma's _death was a faint ring to his ear as he let his eyes close. As the darkness crept up into his mind he vaguely felt the drifting of a petal falling from the lotus miles away in his room.

The long haired exorcist felt the panic of a person who was falling into darkness like him, which had a hysteria raising inside himself. Lavi was alright, Lavi was fine. Nothing could hurt the Bookman Successor Kanda made sure of that before he left. He made sure to let the redhead know that _everything_ was going to be ok. Lying was something he rarely did, if he ever did, and right now Kanda hoped that he had not unconsciously lied to someone he truly cared for.

The passing trees outside started to give him a headache as they became one giant blob. He had slept for two days after that and each moment was spent playing nightmare after nightmare. Chasing after a crying Lavi yet not being able to reach him. Watching him jump off that snowy cliff over and over again without being able to voice his protest. Kanda was even forced to watch him become an _akuma_. Torment that came in many forms when he could not escape. These nightmares made him eager, anxious to get back to the Order just so he could see for himself that Lavi was fine.

_'Lavi is perfectly fine.'_

He had to keep telling himself that because if he didn't then panic would settle in his heart. This was ridiculous, this was completely stupid. He had never felt like this before, never in all the years he has been alive. Never in the time Lavi had come to the order and _never, not once _since they started this relationship, this thing that's been going on. Relationship? He sneered at the simple word, at the simple thought. It was laughable, so fucking laughable.

Whatever this was it was not a relationship because not only would he never call it that, but because Bookmen cannot have attachments and he was pretty sure that a relationship fell in that category. In order to have one they would need to have a heart first and Kanda knew very well that _Junior_ didn't have one. This thing was only a stress reliever, an indulgence that was only allowed for that reason. No matter what the other said or did, no matter what he was told Kanda was sure it was all just a lie. Yet there were times when he felt that the redhead could be telling the truth.

After so many arguments over this simple complex matter and all the times Lavi came to him to just talk about his inner struggles had that tiny piece of doubt forming in the long haired exorcist's mind. The simple way the other would cling to him at night as if he would disappear also added to the affect. Kanda found it amusing and ironic in a way, for one of his biggest fears was Lavi disappearing on him. Simple, it was all so simple that it was sickening. There was hardly anything complex about the actually feeling, it was as simple as breathing but it was everything else that made it difficult. Mostly two things, Bookman and the Lotus; two major things that stood in their way.

It all added up in the end and soon they wouldn't be able to hide it, deny it anymore. Kanda could feel that time was coming to an end though what that end held he did not know. In thought he would think that he didn't want to find out what this end held. That he didn't want anything to be brought to the surface so it was plain for all to see. In thought he would only admit _reluctantly_ that he did not want this to slip through his fingers. Clenching his jaw and digging his nails into his flesh Kanda let out a frustrated growl. Too much thought, there was too much thought being up into this...this...whatever the hell this 'thing' was between him and Lavi.

_'Way too much!' _he thought as another frustrated sound left his lips.

He was begining to get impatient and had a very strong urge to fidget, but he refused to start. This train was going slow, slower than he wanted it to and that just increased his already horrible mood. Rest was all he wanted right now and he couldn't get that on a train where_ akuma _could still attack. Color was starting to drain from the blobs passing outside. A storm was coming, his eyes could see the gray clouds forming in the sky blocking out the sun. Everywhere he went the weather always seemed gloomy lately.

Just like his sleep the weather had been horrible for the past couple of weeks. It switched between a pure white snow, to a dirty sleet and then a dark gray rain. Most of the time it was random and unpredictable and just like those other times he was not able to figure out which natural occurrence would fall from the heavens now. Just like his restless nights this weather put him on edge. Kanda didn't have to think much about it though because as soon as it started to down pour with dark gray rain the train pulled into its final station.

Finally after days of riding on trains, after weeks of destroying _akuma_, getting the innocence, and getting injured, after countless restless nights he was finally back. Getting up the Japanese exorcist didn't even wait for the Finder as he rushed through the train car so he could get to the exit. There was nothing for him to wait for, he held the innocence in his jacket pocket; there was no reason to wait when he had it. The Finder was more than capable of getting to the Order on his own.

It took about a half hour for him to get to the Order and by that time Kanda was thoroughly soaked by the rain. Long black locks were plastered to his face, some of them looking like vines climbing a pale tree. While the strands that were captured in his ever present ponytail hung heavy down his back.

_Tick tock...Tick tock_

Sounds of a clock ticking down each minute, each second grew louder the closer he got to the Order. And as each tick and tock got louder emotions started to bubble within him.

Fear, Panic, Hysteria.

Something was groping around inside his chest making it slightly difficult to breathe. It was almost like someone else's feelings were welling up inside him, like someone was calling to him. A flash of Lavi smiling, waving before he jumped of a snow covered cliff passed his mind's eye.

No, Lavi was fine.

Lavi was perfectly fine.

Moving swiftly in a fast walk, because he definitely was not running, Kanda reached the elevator. All he had to do was wait, just wait because as soon as he stepped foot on the concrete floors of the Order he would have an annoying _usagi _knocking him to the floor in an unwanted hug. Then all this ridiculous panic would go away, all these things that made him want to act out of character would disappear.

_TICK TOCK...TICK TOCK_

Growling and clenching his fists the long haired exorcist tried to ignore the unbearable ticking noise. Sapphire eyes closed as their owner tried to relax. His whole body was tense which did not help him at all. An itching sensation was crawling over his flesh and that urge to fidget was back again. If all he had to do was wait and see then why the hell was he in a such hurry. Why was he in a hurry when he knew the moment he saw Lavi and the redhead embraced him, he would angrily yell at him before walking away.

Kanda was jarred back as everything came to a stop. Swiftly he stepped onto that cold concrete floor and even through he wouldn't admit to it later he was holding his breathe, waiting for a familiar warmth to wrapped around him. When it didn't come that fear, panic, hysteria grew so much that he now became frantic.

_'Lavi is fine.'_

_TICK TOCK_

_'Lavi is fine!'_

_TICK TOCK...TICK TOCK_

_'LAVI IS FINE!'_

With a hand on_ Mugen's _hilt Kanda swiftly passed down the hall searching and hoping to see bright red hair or hear that slightly slurred speech. Nothing, there was nothing as he stalked off toward Komui's office leaving a trail of water behind him. The cold drafts that floated through the stone gray halls nipped at his wet clothes before biting his flesh. His long black hair was dripping crystal water droplets onto the floor.

But he didn't care, why should he care if he was drenched and making everything else wet as well. Why should he care when that was such a minor thing compared to everything else he had to unwillingly worry about. Besides all he wanted to do now was get rid of this innocence so he could go to his room and rest. Kanda knew that some sleep would help ease his mind as well as a few hours meditation. It would help get rid of these unfounded worries that clawed at his insides.

_Never _before had he worry for Lavi like this, worried when there was nothing to worry about. Especially when the Japanese exorcist knew the other was safe at the Order. There was no reason to worry when Lavi was at the Order because yes if he was going to be honest there were those small, and he did mean _small_, moments when he worried for the redhead's safety. But that was only when the other was away on a mission, somewhere far away where Kanda couldn't protect him when the redhead wasn't paying attention.

Yet in those moments it still did not matter if they were on a mission together or not because the redhead still managed to do something stupid. In those moments all he had to do was silently tell himself that Lavi was a good fighter. He had to say silently that Lavi could take care himself. Those moments were rare and lasted only a few seconds before melting away into an anger that was direct at himself for being dumb enough to care like that. But this worry, this fear had lasted for weeks now which only made him furious. Distracting him when he needed to concentrate the most.

Kanda blamed the hammer wielding exorcist for the unnecessarily delays, distractions that made the mission a failure in his eyes. If Lavi had just left him alone, just stayed away, and never kissed him on that first day they met then none of this would have happened. And he would definitely not be feeling like this. His mind was so caught up in worrying about the redhead, blaming him, and even thinking about the thing between them it wasn't a surprise that he was able to catch the other's name falling from a Finder's lips.

"Is Lavi-sama still in the infirmary?"

"Yes, I'm afraid he is...You can still hear his screaming when you pass by...Its really unbearable."

Kanda just continued on his stride, walking right passed them because that was absurd. Lavi. Is. Fine. Why the hell did he care so much? Why was he so worried over nothing? Over gossip that falls from the mouth of Finders? Lavi screaming, that was not possible. Just like the redhead being in the infirmary was impossible. Yet more talk met his ears as he stalked to Komui's office.

"I saw Lavi wandering around the halls before Allen helped him."

"He kept mumbling stuff that I couldn't hear, but I thought I hear him say 'Yuu' or something like that."

"Same here, but I hear a chan after he said that every once in while...The thing I can't get outta my mind is that line he used to say in a sing-song tone." The Finder shivered a bit in remembrance.

"What he say?"

"Same thing like 'How many petals are left on the lotus?'"

"Do you believe he finally lost it?"

"Maybe...Only time will tell."

He scowled, stomped pass them, and tried to calm his rapidly beating heart. They were senseless, completely idiotic. There was no way Lavi was in the infirmary, or wandering around possibly calling out for him. Kanda was not oblivious, he knew how fake the redhead is. No emotions. Nothing is real. Lavi was just an illusion, a dream that would pass in time, leaving nothing but pain behind.

The Japanese exorcist knew all this yet even he could not stay locked behind his chained door. Somehow the redhead was able to wiggle his way inside and now he was never going to leave. Growling under his breathe Kanda narrowed his sapphire eyes. The door that leads to Komui's office was in plain sight, but the voices did not stop. Everywhere he passed, everyone he walked by had a new different story to tell about his_ usagi_. Each one basically telling the same details. Lavi screaming, calling out to someone, and the constant ramblings that left the redhead's lips.

"They keep having to sedate him." another Finder said.

_'They all just really need to shut up!' _Kanda thought.

Each word, every sound that left their lips about_ his usagi _pissed him off even more. They had no right to talk about the other like that because they did not know him. Lithe fingers touched the chipped golden knob as he froze. He stood with slightly wide eyes thinking about what he just thought. There was no way,_ absolutely no way _he just called Lavi _his_.

Not once, but twice.

No Kanda refused to think about it.

Refused to deal with it.

Eventually, soon, this would end and he would not have to deal with it.

_Tick...Tock_

Everything is slipping like sand through his fingers. Composing himself back into his regular mask Kanda pushed the door open.

Just like always papers littered the floor like snow covering the ground. He wished that they would clean this place up just a bit. It would be nice to be able to walk in here without worrying about stepping on important papers or in his case dripping water on them. Striding right up to Komui's desk he ignored everyone else effectively missing all the stares that were sent his way. Reever, Johnny, and everyone else in that room looked at him as if he were a spirit. They were too shocked to see Kanda walking right in like everything was fine...When everything was most certainly not fine.

All stop working, eyes trained on the moody exorcist while words were caught in their throats. They were waiting for someone to speak up to plea with Kanda to go and help their once cheerful friend. But they didn't know how to approach it, they didn't know how to handle him without the Japanese exorcist getting pissed and walking off.

Only Lavi was able to calm him and speak with him in way that made Kanda's anger vanish. Only Lavi was able to reach out to the long haired exorcist and get him to show something other than annoyance or anger. Of course that was only during the rare moments the redhead wasn't teasing and annoying the other on purpose. They didn't even know how to view Kanda's feeling toward the redhead because from what they saw he disliked the other. Which lead them to believe he wouldn't help even if he wanted to.

Kanda glared at the piles of papers and books that consumed Komui's desk. It seemed the eccentric man was nowhere in sight, probably hiding from the others so that he wouldn't have to do his work. So normal, so far everything was normal and like it was whenever he returned from a mission. Those Finders were talking crazy because if something did happen to the redhead there was no way things would be so normal. Looking intently, searching, he found a hand protruding from the middle of the pile. With an annoyed frustrated growl he walked over to the buried man.

"Oi, Komui get your lazy ass up!"

The long haired exorcist kicked the mountain of paper that surrounded the desk. A satisfied gleam entered his eyes when his foot connected with a body and a pained sound escaped the hidden figure. Instantly everything fell to the floor as a crater was made from the chief emerging from the mountain of paperwork. Komui's hair was in disarray, sticking out from random places. The glasses resting on the edge of his nose were crooked as was his hat. Dark bags that hid under his eyes were more visible then they had been before Kanda left. Sleep had evaded him as well, draining him the more he became exhausted but that was just part of the other's job. It was not a cause for worry.

Obvious excitement at seeing the long haired exorcist stood out on his pale face like a candle in a dark room. But that happiness, that joy was gone, being replaced by a dark shadow. Doing the practical, normal thing Kanda ignored it and pulled out the innocence before handing it to the other as he began his report. He was in hurry, he wanted to get to his room so he could rest or mediate. Whichever one he chooses to do first and even if he wanted to go get some hot _Soba_ it would be pointless now. For not only had he lost his appetite, Kanda didn't feel like listening to those lies circulating about Lavi. The whole time Komui stood there with a dark dumbfounded look on his face.

It only took a few minutes for the Japanese exorcist to finish his report with a scowling expression. The more he pushed down those feelings of panic and fear the more they threaten to raise with a vengeance. Worrying for an idiot with no heart, how low had he sunk. Feet moving, mind swirling Kanda tried to leave, but a hand wrapping around his wrist stopped him.

Turning his head he glared at Komui who gaped at him even more. An expected silence filled the room. A silence that demanded answers and questions. Komui opened and closed his mouth several times before his voice came out. His tone held an excited, relieved, and somber note.

"Kanda, Your back!"

"Of course I'm back, Why wouldn't I be?" he snapped.

"I-I...Well, you been gone for so long...And we haven't heard from you in awhile..."

Shaking his head in vexation caused some drops of water to fly from his long black strands. He 'che' before ripping his wrist from the other's grip.

"Kanda wait!"

Komui ran up to the younger's side calling to him, but did not dare to touch him again. The long haired exorcist looked at the disheveled man as he reached the door. All he wanted was to sleep for just a bit couldn't they let him go. They must know he was exhausted from the mission and journey back.

"I need you to come with me to the infirmary."

A jolt of panic threatened to overcome him as those words were spoken. That fear he pushed down came back up clogging his throat. Sapphire eyes widen the tiniest bit, so small a fraction that only Lavi or Bookman would be able to see. No, Kanda refused to believe the redhead was really in trouble. He recoils from the simple thought as his heart drips blood from inside him.

_'Lavi is fine.' _he thought. _'There is nothing wrong with him. Why is everyone saying he's hurt?'_

_TICK...TOCK._

The clock counted down with a high ringing of laughter as it watched him suffer.

"Why?"

The one word came out as a dry whisper which caused him to flinch at the sound. Kanda could not let anyone know he cared, he had to keep that locked inside and carry it with him to the underworld. Not even death would make him admit to loving the redhead, nothing could.

"Lavi's sick and you might be the only one to help him."

His heart dropped, exploded; shards of glass dug into the beating organ making it bleed profusely. No, Komui was lying, everyone was lying. Lavi was strong and perfectly fine. The Bookman Successor wouldn't let anything happen to him that would truly put his life in danger. But maybe it wasn't that serious, maybe it was just a broken bone or something.

He looked at Komui and saw the serious dark look that shadows his features. Without turning back Kanda stalked out of the room, ignoring the calls coming from behind him. Stalking became striding which then bloomed into a fast walk that borderline on running. But Kanda Yuu doesn't run for people that might be injured. He doesn't run to anyone no matter what.

Images of Lavi jumping from the cliff, injuring himself, doing something reckless that he knows could hurt him. All of them images of the Japanese exorcist's nightmares, that now had a hysteria running wild within him.

Why...Why was this happening to him?

Why now when he had so little time left?

Things passed in a blur as his eyes stared ahead focused on one place and one place only. They didn't see anything; nothing, but Lavi, _his Baka Usagi_, that needed him. Lavi needed him, Lavi needed him and he was not there to help at the time. Kanda hoped that everything was ok. He hoped it was some cruel joke they were playing on him.

Moving faster he ran down the halls, giving up on trying to keep calm because right now there was nothing, no one but Lavi who could calm the raging emotions inside his being. Yes, he knew this was stupid. Yes, he knew someone could read too much into his actions right now. He knew that once he saw Lavi sitting on his bed with a book in hand he was going to hate himself. Yet Kanda couldn't help it as he pushed people out of his way. Someone was controlling him, someone was making him act like an idiot. There was someone forcing him to lose the best thing that had happened to him since he had crawled out of that hole in the Asian Branch.

Coming to a halt he stood in front of Lavi and Bookman's room. His eyes traced the cracks and splintered wood that appeared in the worn wood. A common tactic, a common tactic of hesitation that was being born from his fear of Komui being right. Kanda didn't want to be proven wrong, not about something like this. Rising a hand he pressed it against the rough wood before taking a deep breath. Scratching at the door lightly he knocked ever so slightly.

It's true that in a normal situation he would have just walked in, regardless of what Bookman thought. But today, right now, seemed like the time to knock especially if Lavi was not in the room and only Bookman was. Though he could careless what the old man thought or had to say he would rather avoid a confrontation today. Bookman was, to him, the main opponent in Lavi's struggles. The old man was responsible for a lot of things the redhead avoided doing and saying.

No sound came from the room and no answer called to him to enter, which left only two reasons why that might be. Either no one was in or whoever was inside was too focused on work to hear an unspoken question. With the pads of his fingers touching the door's rough surface Kanda slowly moved his hand down. The hysteria was building up making his blood pump faster and resound in his ears. Building him up just to tear him down, getting his hopes up just to make his devastation deeper.

Rough soon blended to smooth as he touched and turned the knob. The long haired exorcist hoped that Bookman wasn't in the room with his apprentice. He hoped that Lavi was in there and was alone. It was kinda funny how lately all he did was hope when he never wished for it before. Before there was no reason to hope because for him everything was hopeless. In a collected voice he spoke as he pushed the door open just a crack.

"Lavi."

Sapphire eyes scanned the room as he stepped through the doorway, accidently crunching paper under his boots. By now he didn't need to worry about getting anything wet for his clothes and hair were mostly dry now, damp. Books, new and old, were stacked along the walls and crowded corners. Newspapers littered the floor as they formed a mountain in the middle of the floor, much like the Science Department and Komui's office.

So completely different, opposite, their rooms were; even the windows were dissimilar. This one gleamed with the light of the moon making the raindrops sliding down pristine unbroken glass shimmer. While his was cracked, dusty with cobwebs and just all around ugly. And were clutter filled this room, only barren spartan spaces covered his own. Turning to the bunk beds Kanda ran his eyes over the immaculate top bunk and messy unmade bottom one. He could feel his face fall into an expression of slight sorrow when it was confirmed no one was in the room.

_Tick...Tock...Tick...Tock_

Closing the door Kanda headed back down the hall. Despite the clawing emotions inside of him, the Japanese exorcist tried to think.

_'Its raining so the library is most likely crowded as well as the training rooms so Lavi wouldn't go to either one at the moment.' _Kanda paused briefly. _'The same goes for the cafeteria.'_

He knew that on rainy days the redhead hated crowds. Lavi would always go out of his way to avoid them if and whenever possible because rainy days where saved for Kanda. Or so the redhead claimed whenever they were together at the Order and it just so happened to rain. He proclaimed a little too loudly one day that no one should be alone on rainy days. It was at that point in time that started an ordinary routine for the long haired exorcist because he knew the other would do what he wanted.

Therefore rainy days became their days together, alone and away from everyone else. And even though he knew it was stupid and childish Kanda still held to that unspoken promise. For when he was on a mission, without Lavi, while it was raining he either stayed in his room lodgings. Or left to search the town in the least crowded spots.

But since the redhead wasn't in his own room there was only one other place where he be free of people including Bookman. Even with the countless threats to the other's life Kanda still found him sitting on his bed. Even through he constantly told Lavi not to he still return with an annoying rabbit hopping in his room. So the most logical place to find the other was to go and check his own personal quarters.

These halls were no different in their gray stone foundation or the people walking pass. Their mouth still moved as they let the lies flow like a stream. Kanda was so tired not only from the mission, but also from the words flooding the walls of the Order. Blocking his ears to the voices around him Kanda strode to his room once again hoping. So many images marred his thoughts with tormented scenes, mixing reality with the nightmares.

A craving to have lips melt on his own and hands knead his flesh burned within. The long haired exorcist was dying to see and feel Lavi. His body was cold with need, cold with the need for the redhead to warm it up. Sapphire eyes closed at the thought of finding the other, of curling into his body with his own. Right now there was nothing more he wanted to do.

Kanda wanted all these negative emotions and thoughts to evaporate with the caress of a finger. A shaky breath was pulled in as the ghost, remains of the times Lavi actually touched him like that brushed his skin. The muscles under his flesh, the nerves running through his being were wound tight and they needed to be released.

Why was everything falling apart?

Why now when all he needed was someone to stay by him?

When his time was being cut so short?

An ice cold desperation was racing through his veins. That ice needed to go away, needed to leave, melt so he could have some happiness until the end. A humorless laugh passed his lips as emptiness grew into a black hole. His fate was always set in stone. There was nothing that could change it and nothing was going to change it.

Kanda accepted this while still questioning it at times, but there was never a point were he desired to change it. To him his fate was something unchangeable so dwelling on it was a waste of time. Yet now he wished it could change, he wished it could disappear and leave him. All he wanted was to stay with Lavi.

Those thoughts were repeatedly being chastised in his mind because even if he did live. Even if his fate was changed and the lotus vanished, Lavi would still leave. The redhead would be gone with Bookman at the end of this war. And no matter what happen Kanda would not let him give up a dream he had been working on most of his life to achieve. It wouldn't be right to make the other choose when a choice was not available to take.

_'Its not fair, but nothing is ever fair.'_

Bangs hid his eyes as he hung his head to hide from reality walking by. There was a lot he understood and so much he didn't but he felt that trying to would only complicate things more. Feeling made things harder yet it didn't stop him for actually starting even though he knew emotions got in the way. Mostly the ones that he was feeling now, clouding his judgment. Making him worry for nothing because there was nothing to worry about.

Stopping he pivoted his body in order to face the entrance to his room. Sapphire eyes widen at the broken hanging mass of splinter wood. Creaking on one hinge as it moved just slightly causing more pieces to fall. Disbelief made him forget for just a moment why he was there. Anger glowed in his eyes as they narrowed at this unexpected surprise. Walking in he looked around glad to find nothing was disturbed. Hands clenched and unclenched at his sides while his teeth grounded together. Fingers brushed _Mugen's_ hilt as thoughts raced though his head.

Kanda's mind was never at eased, at least it wasn't today. Everything was running though his mind at once, things that he wanted to push back into the furthest part of his brain the most. Things that he never wanted to think about until he had to and right now he did not want to. Not while his emotions were running haywire. Nor while his body still buzzed with the need for Lavi's touch. Kanda's heart was hammering in his chest as it beat with the flood of hysteria that was a soup of different emotions.

His nostrils flared in anger and if he didn't already think he was delusional he would have thought he scented the redhead's smell. That leathery old bound book, paper and ink smell that was always mixed with a certain underlying hint of a spice he couldn't put a name to. A spice that made this smell the embodiment of Lavi himself. It never failed to make the Japanese exorcist's head spin when it filled his lungs. This 'imaginary' smell was the thing that pushed him over the edge. It was the thing that made something inside him snap.

"Where the hell is he?"

Kanda yelled those words at the top of his lungs making sure everyone in the vicinity could hear the pure rage in his voice. Turning out of his room he stormed down the halls of the Black Order. Long black locks, that were clumped together by a dampness that still clung to the dark strands, trailed behind him. The hand gripping _Mugen_ tighten making the knuckles turn bone white.

He was done, he was done worrying helplessly about some god-damn rumors he heard whispered from the Finder's lips. _The Finders_ of all people, he was worrying over things that left the mouth of someone whose numbers dropped everyday. _Someone_ who couldn't get a better roll to play in the Order because they were incompetent.

The long haired exorcist yelled at everyone. He yelled at Finders, workers from the Science Department, and exorcists alike. All he wanted was a bit of information and no one was willing to give it to him. Nothing Kanda did made them tell him were Lavi was. Desperation was ripping out of his throat at this point as he quite successfully covered it with anger. Yet these people either cowered in fear or scurried away like mice the moment he appeared down a hall.

Narrowing sapphire eyes he lashed out at an unfortunate Finder that was passing by and couldn't get away in time. Lithe fingers curled around rough tan material as they slammed the body against the gray stone wall. Those same fingers ghosted over a shoulder before touching smooth pale flesh. Gripping with enough force they pose the threat of cutting off the Finder's air supply. Twitching periodically like they wanted to whether their owner got an answer or not. Leaning in close Kanda glared at the man before him with a chilling gaze. A cold fire burned within the long haired exorcist's eyes making them illuminate.

"Where. The. Hell. Is. He?"

Kanda growled with a slight hiss added to the end of each word. Toxic venom covered coated them like a sugary syrup on pancakes. Pain was promised if the Finder didn't answer or answered to back away, to melt into the very wall the Finder shook.

"I-I don't know wh-who you're talking about Kanda-sama."

With a displeased sound the Japanese exorcist threw the Finder away from him. A smirk briefly stretched his lip as he heard a loud thud, crack, and then screaming. Pain that he caused to another only lifted these pesky feelings, this blind emotion for a few seconds. Sharply turning his back on the withering figure Kanda didn't stay to watch others scramble to help. Turning down a few more halls and injuring two more Finders he finally saw someone he thought could give him the answer he wanted, needed.

Glowing sapphire eyes landed on an exorcist with black and white hair. An almost cape-like exorcist jacket covered his slumped shoulders. Tiny sobbing sounds filled the air around him and an arm was held up to his face. He stood in front of a door that gave off a somber aura.

Kanda vaguely remembered this exorcist from the time he tried and failed eating _Soba _after he bugged him about it. Then he remembered getting scolded by _Moyashi_, but that didn't matter right now. He also remembered him from the time he dragged the other from a room in the ark. Stalking up to the crying exorcist like a predator would to their prey he growled his question once again yet this time it was said more clearly.

"Oi...Where's Lavi?"

Kory jumped at the harsh voice and turned around to look at the other standing behind him. Cowering away he draws his arms in front of himself to act as a shield. He has met the other before in brief passing and heard the things said about him. About half of those things coming from Lavi. To Kory it was only natural for him to shy away from someone who appeared harsh and slightly cruel. Flinching as he looked at those raging cold sapphire eyes he took a step back. A murderous glare was being sent his way, he could feel it on his face.

"Are you going to answer my ques..."

Kanda didn't even get to finish his words as a piercing scream resounded through the hall, bounced off the walls, and blasted his ears. That scream, that voice it was automatic in his mind as he placed it to the owner. He couldn't even hold himself together as he ran pass the other exorcist. Fear, worry it was all clear on his face now because there was no hope left to hold it back. Everything was proven true and lost the moment those screams started.

It took two seconds for the long haired exorcist to push open the infirmary doors before him and run inside. Kanda frantically searched around as he followed the awful wailing that grew louder the closer he got. White hair and a familiar frame standing next to another familiar body was just before him. An eagerness was cutting him up like a knife in the hands of a butcher yet he paused. Hesitated and froze to the spot as his eyes landed on the thrashing body flailing about on the bed. Nurses held the arms and legs down while another filled a syringe.

Kanda couldn't help but think how the redhead would have made a joke about the position he was in. Probably something about all the young nurses wanting a reason to touch him because they all secretly wanted him. And that would have been the moment he smacked the other upside the head for saying something stupid like that. Now through non of that happen as the syringe slide into stark white flesh that held a tint of sickly gray. Those wrenching screams that were slowly making Kanda want to tear at his own skin were muted. Gently the weightless limbs eased their assault as the nurses released their grip.

Bookman moved closer to the redhead's side holding something in his hand. It was the first time the Japanese exorcist saw him and ironically enough was the person who snapped him out of his shocked state. Taking slow tentative steps forward Kanda's eyes move from the old man to Lavi. He took in the pale gray skin, sunken dark rimmed eye, and dull red locks that were unkempt. Hands started to shake the tiniest bit the closer he got. Fingers twitched to touch the other to make sure he was real.

Out of the corner of his eye the long haired exorcist saw Lenalee with her hands covering her face. Tears leaked through her fingers as Allen held a sorrowful expression while he watched her. They didn't matter right now, no one did, the only one who matter was Lavi. Voices filled the air as useless mumbles that echoed around him, but weren't being processed in his mind. Everything else besides the image of Lavi laying on a hospital bed looking like death itself drifted away.

Vaguely he thinks he hears his name as it breaks through the static. The hand not gripping _Mugen _reaches out to touch the unclothed arm of the redhead. Sapphire eyes are locked onto that pale waxen face. Fingertips barely brush the redhead's flesh before a hand tightly grips his wrist. His head snaps to his left glaring at the one who touched him. Dark eyes surrounded by thick black make-up are staring at him with a slight glare narrowing them.

Bookman's anger and annoyance were seething through that glare and his touch. The Japanese exorcist shakes off the other's grip, eyes never leaving the old man's face. Their having a silent argument, heated words that only they can decipher.

'Don't touch me!' is the first thing Kanda quietly states. Narrowing his eyes even more Bookman mentions what the air around him emits.

'Why are you here?'

Giving a quick glance to Lavi's bed with his eyes the Japanese exorcist answers.

'To see Lavi of course!'

The old man nods his head accepting the answer yet his glare doesn't lessen and he states with a subtle shift.

'You should leave.'

Shaking his head Kanda growls low in his throat before wordlessly declaring.

'No! I will not leave. What if I can help!'

This time Bookman shakes his head, but it's a forlorn shake that expresses no hope.

"There is nothing you can. We have tried everything possible," Bookman says aloud "You, Your very presence isn't going to help my apprentice get better."

Anger surges through the long haired exorcist's veins as the old man talks to him with a tone suggesting he was speaking with a child. It was always like this when the two were in the same room together. Kanda trying to be civil for the sake of Lavi and keeping silent. Yet Bookman always found a way to address him so he had to talk. It would be a normal conversation for a moment or two before the real issue came up. Usually it was something stupid like Kanda keeping the redhead from his work or making him late to a lesson, punishment the older exorcist had planned.

Though it was obvious that he was not responsible, despite Lavi being with him at that time, because it really should be the other's responsibility to make sure he gets that stuff done. It wasn't Kanda's problem yet Bookman makes it his problem. And then it adds insult to injury when the old man speaks to him like he's some eight year-old kid who doesn't know anything. Sometimes mentioning that he should learn how to control his anger so his apprentice 'can remain uninjured and work on the things he should be focusing on'. Safe to say Bookman knew how to push the long haired exorcist's buttons better than Lavi did.

Grinding his teeth together he clenches his hands into fists. Taking a step closer to the older exorcist so he was towering over him Kanda growls his response.

"Are you willing to take that chance? Are you willing to let him die before you let me try to help?" His voice rises with each word and he pauses to breathe deeply. "I understand why you hate me, I really do. I understand why you wouldn't want me to help, but if he dies and there was a slim chance I could have done something to prevent that who really loses here besides me."

Bookman's dark eyes narrow into a full-blown glare as their color darkens a shade. He seems to be thinking as he stares the long haired exorcist down. Valid points, the other spoke some truths he had to give him credit for. Calmly Bookman turns and leaves without another word to Kanda, but that was fine with him. He rather no words be spoken then be shown up in some other way. A soft gentle touch was placed on his arm bringing his attention to Lenalee.

"Please help him, Kanda."

Teary eyed she followed Bookman with Allen giving a somber smile before trailing after them. He was alone now, alone with an unconscious Lavi who had to be sedated to get like that. While his face remained the normal slightly pissed off facade his crystal blue eyes glittered with pain. Fingers ran through the tangled mess of faded red locks that he loved. He smoothed them down before trailing those fingers down gray flesh.

The Japanese exorcist couldn't believe that this was Lavi. Could not believe that this was his hyper-active annoying _usagi _that didn't know when to quit at the best and worst times. It was all surreal for him, a look into the future that wasn't to far away. A storm was running wild inside his body, attacking it like a hurricane. Slowly he sat down in a chair that was nearby as he struggled for control.

Gripping Lavi's hand tightly he whispered non-sense words to him. In hopes that his voice or something he said would wake the other. Minutes pass and nothing has happened expect for the occasional twitch of Lavi's fingers. But that could be easily passed off as something else like a muscle spasm.

He gave a sigh in almost defeat when he ran out of things to say. And just became too tired to continue because he had yet to get some rest. In Kanda's chest his heart was hammering with false hope, anticipation. Love and sadness were mixing together causing him to become irritated. These feelings were also becoming very tiring.

It was those thoughts that led him to believe something stupid. Something he vowed never to do even if he was on the verge of death. Quietly in a barely there whisper he said three words he hoped would work some magic.

"I...I love you."

_Tick...Tock...Tick...Tock_

Nothing happens as the seconds ticked by from the clock on the wall as well as the invisible one following him around. His eyes were closed as sleep was becoming too hard to fight off. Yet Kanda opened them and looked at Lavi's face hoping to find something. Sapphire eyes widen at what they saw. A tear fell from the redhead's closed eye, shimmering under the lights. Dry lips moved as they mumbled words only Kanda could hear.

"Where are you, Yuu?"

A painful twinge shot through his heart as his guise fell. Dark shadows melted into his sapphire eyes making them darken before he hung his head. Moving his hand he caressed the one he was holding. Tears were closed to leaking from his own eyes, but he held them in.

Kanda took in a shaky breath before looking at Lavi. Removing his hand he used it to brush the single tear from a slightly sunken gray cheek. And standing up the Japanese exorcist leaned over the other to brush his lips over his in a chaste kiss.

"I'm right here, _Baka Usagi_. So please wake up soon."

* * *

I'm sorry this wasn't updated sooner . I had a hard time writing it, but the fifth chapter is already half way done so it will be updated quicker than this one. I like to thank those who reviewed last chapter, you guys are awesome!

Please Review and tell me what you think or if you liked it. Also I'm sorry if Kanda isn't in character. I tryed not to make him to OOC.

~XxSebastin'sXLittleXRobinXx


	5. Chapter 5

**Warnings for this chapter: BoyXBoy, Sexual Themes, Non-consensual**

* * *

_Delirium or Insanity?_

_Chapter, 5_

The moonlit rays coming in through the windows were a pale blue in the darkness. These pale ribbons floating in the abyss were the only means of light in the otherwise blacken halls. A silent emptiness that gave off an uneasy feeling crowded the stone walls. It was passed midnight, possibly even later than that, and everyone was assumed to be asleep. Even those in the Science Department working late had more than likely given in to the clawing hands of slumber.

Yet it was on nights like this, where everything was silent as a grave and perhaps storming out that had trouble brewing in the darkest shadows, the lightless corners. The sound of stumbling footsteps echoed down the hall as it cut through the silence like breaking glass. Each step was enunciated by short harsh breaths that quickly turned into pants. A hand was laid on the cold stone wall to steady himself while the other gripped red locks in a tight fist. Loud pounding resounded in his head clouding his one visible green eye with agony.

The longer he stayed at the Order the more he was prone to slip. Little bits here and there that Bookman always caught him on. And no matter how small it was the redhead was always lectured. Yet lately it had been getting worse, they weren't little trips of his body or slips of the tongue anymore. To make matters worse they had been happening more frequently as well. Ever since Road toyed with his mind in the ark it seemed control was out of reach.

Or maybe it was just him?

Maybe the things he pushed away were coming back full force with a vengeance because Road messed around in his head?

But then that would insinuate she had a hand in it anyway, it was coming back full-circle as he puts some of the blame on the Noah girl.

Lavi flinched and sucked in a jagged gasp as a painful jolt shot through his skull. He could feel his 48th alias pushing and scratching to break though. This he knew was Road's fault, the awakening of his past alias was her doing. Yet the redhead hoped it would fade over time; unfortunately it had not, just like his slips this had only gotten worse as well. A theory, a suspicion burned though him as Lavi came to believe that was because he harbored more dangerous feelings than friendship inside.

Certain feelings that made his non-existent heart flutter whenever he saw long black hair or sharp blue eyes. Made it stutter when he heard the unmistakable voice that threw nothing but insults as often as possible. And if that voice was calm and spoke decent civil words it beat just a little faster. Almost freezing all together if something caring was voiced to Lavi in that brash almost embarrassed way the other tended to use when he deemed them to be troublesome. But the redhead knew the other was somewhat uncomfortable saying them.

Slowly shaking his head Lavi got rid of those thoughts before they began to deepen into unwanted territory. He needed to focus in order to push back the invading force. 'Deak' was pushing harder than ever to break though and Lavi couldn't afford that. The hammer wielding exorcist stumbled down the halls trying hurriedly to reach his and Bookman's room.

Surely Bookman could help, could stop 'Deak' from breaking though. A laugh echoed in his head making the pain flare. It was cold, dry, and cruel; just like the monotone voice that followed.

_'You cannot get rid of me. I am a part of you.'_

Lavi could feel his control slip with each step. A thin droplet of sweat ran down his pale gray cheeks.

_'They are nothing to you. They are just ink on paper.'_

He needed to get to Bookman and he needed to get to him fast. Only a few more minutes, no seconds, before he slipped. Thankfully he had reached the door, finally 'Deak' would be gone. Grabbing the cold rusted knob Lavi opened the door before stepping in. Even with all the pain and slightly blurry vision the redhead's skill as a Bookman was not hindered.

Instantly he knew this was not his and Bookman's room. This room didn't have that old book smell combined with ink. No, this one had a soft flowery, dare he say lotus, scent that had an underlying soap smell. Another obvious sign this was not his and Bookman's room was the bareness surrounding him. There was no mountains of books or scattered papers.

A clean made bed sat were a bunk bed should be, the top bunk immaculate while the bottom would be unkempt. Sitting in a corner by the cracked window was a table that had a hourglass resting on top. Inside was a beautiful pink lotus, most likely were the flowery smell was coming from. Looking at the bottom Lavi could see three wrinkled gray petals had fallen. Yet despite its alluring beauty the lotus had a captivating eerie aura.

Sharp pain stabbed through his head causing a gasp to be wrenched from his lips. Lavi's face displayed pure agony as claws ripped at his brain. Trying to trap him in their grasp again.

_'Let go "Lavi" and the pain will stop.'_

"No" was whispered in a pained breath as he stumbled to the bed. The strength keeping him up left his body in a rush forcing him to fall on the soft bed beneath him. Right away the lotus and soap scent tickled his nose with a stronger potency. Recognition burst in his mind as the redhead realized he knew this smell. Even cherished it from the rare times he was able to commit it to memory. Definitely something he should not do. Burying his face into the pillows and curling himself in the blankets Lavi breathed in deeply.

"Yuu."

He closed his emerald eye to enjoy this scent even more as the person it belonged to took shape in his mind. The person he cherished with all he had. Trying and failing to clear his head so Yuu was clearer, more pain burst through making 'Deak's' escape easier to accomplish.

_'No, No...No "Deak" cannot come out, he can't.'_

Lavi's arms and legs tensed as he attempted to move them. Heavy, they felt so heavy. The hammer wielding exorcist did not give up as he continuously forced his limbs to shift. He needed to move so he could get to Bookman. Only the old man could help him now, at least that is what he hoped. An eyelid drooped with pain over a clouded green eye. Lips formed the same silent words over and over again.

_'Help...help'_

Deak pushed again forcing 'Lavi' to fade. The green eye cleared into a cold emotionless emerald as color returned to his flesh. Causing the gray to change into a flawless healthy pale cream color. Weariness and heaviness vanished from his body along with the pain. 'Lavi' had returned to Deak.

Just at that moment the door open revealing a grumpy Japanese exorcist. Deak twisted his lips into a cruel smirk as he stared at the other, waiting. He took in that lithe form, those cold glaring sapphire eyes, and thin pressed lips forming a frown. Looking at each dark strand of hair made Deak's fingers itched. The redhead wanted to touch those soft locks.

He wanted to break this doll-like exorcist.

He wanted to break the other's body and spirit.

The cruel smirk turned into a malicious grin. Narrowing those cold blue eyes even further at the redhead he spoke.

"Lavi," Stepping closer to the bed after he closed the door Kanda continued with an angry and irritated tone. "What are you doing in my room." Deak just stared and waited, waited until the other was close enough.

"Answer me now, _Baka Usagi_!"

"My name is Deak."

Kanda's glare intensified as Deak gave a dry chuckle. He couldn't understand what was so funny because he was not laughing. If this was some joke, some game the other wanted to play then the long haired exorcist wanted no part in it. Crossing his arms Kanda stepped closer, coming to stand a foot or so away from the redhead on his bed. Only briefly pausing to rest _Mugen_ against the wall. Opening his mouth so he could yell at the idiot some more, he was not prepared to be cut off as Deak grabbed him. Throwing the long haired exorcist onto the bed he crawled over him.

_'This is going to be fun.'_

A malevolent, blood thirsty gleam shimmered in his lone emerald eye as the other tried to push him away. But Kanda was tried and sapped of his energy, strength from the training session he had just come from. Grabbing the struggling exorcist's wrists Deak held them above the other's head as he quickly unwrapped the orange scarf from around his neck.

"Lavi what the hell are you doing?"

Deak leaned down bringing his face in front of the other's, letting his breathe fan over the Japanese exorcist's face as he closed his eyes. Kanda struggles and thrashes around trying with all his might to throw the stupid rabbit off him. The redhead kept one hand around Kanda's bound wrists while the other slowly trailed down the long haired exorcist's clothed body until it stopped at his waist. Fingers traced and hooked into the waistband of the other's dark pants effectively making his struggles cease.

Freezing all movement his muscles locked up as those once warm now ice cold and slimy fingers brushed bare skin. A smirk played with the redhead's lips the moment the body underneath him froze like a stone statue while he wrapped an arm around Kanda. It was slightly difficult to lift the long haired exorcist closer to the headboard, it also didn't help when Kanda regained his composure. The Japanese exorcist wildly kicked his legs while cursing the one above him.

Deak found all this amusing, especially when the other tried to bite him, as he tied the extra unused ends of the scarf to the headboard. Ice crystallized in sapphire eyes as they glared at the redhead with the coldest demeanor. Yet this did not affect the other in anyway as he, for the moment, ignored them to finish his task.

"Rabi, let me fucking go...Right. Now!" Kanda snarled menacingly with a slight accent creeping into his words. Upon hearing that slight accent something stirred and tugged at Deak's persona, trying to break through but he ignored it, pushed it away to the back of his mind. 'Lavi' wasn't strong often right now to gain back control, right now it was Deak's show, his time to have some fun. Looking at the beautiful black haired doll underneath him Deak gave a 'Lavi' like grin before saying "No". If possible Kanda's glare got even darker to point that ice seemed to enclose around him.

Breath ghosted over his face again as the redhead leaned down. Hands trailed over Kanda's sides and torso making the cloth of his shirt and jacket scratch against his flesh. A burning rage was consuming the long haired exorcist at these actions, at this whole situation he unknowingly got himself into. Yet at the same time his body froze, turning to stone, as he resisted and refused to give any sign that he was being effected by this. The hands running along his sides began to creep over his chest while kneading it like a kitten before it goes to sleep or drinks milk from its mother.

Hate trailed through his veins like acid eating away at anything it touched. Kanda hoped that the redhead could feel it, he hoped the other was burned by it. Thin fingers slowly unfastened the buttons on his exorcist jacket before reaching the belt at his waist and unbuckling that as well. There wasn't a moment pause as Deak began to undo the buttons on the other's white shirt revealing his toned chest and odd tattoo. Soothing patterns, at least they would be if it was a different situation, were being caressed on his pale porcelain skin. Yet that was supposed to distract him from the hand playing at the waistband of his pants.

Biting the inside of his cheek Kanda wondered if keeping his pride was really worth the possible outcome that was sure to come if nothing was done. Of course that inner struggle, that debate was thrown out the window when nimble fingers began undoing his belt. Long legs repeatedly kicked Deak's back as the body underneath him thrashed from side to side. Screw his pride this was highly unacceptable and Kanda did not care what he had to do so long as it got this fucking _Usagi_ off him. Pure untainted rage filled the Japanese exorcist like freshly made sugar cubes. He felt trapped, backed in a corner, or in his case tied to a bed, with no way out and for once he couldn't figure out how to escape. Yet there was one thing he was familiar with, he had no time to come up with something because time was running out rapidly.

Deak hovered over the long haired exorcist as their bodies were only separated by his hands resting on creamy pale flesh. Lips ghosted over the other's cheek while his breath caressed that soft skin. They trailed along his jaw being ever so careful not to touch, to not taste a flavor he thought of as being forbidden. Emerald green met deep sapphire blue as their eyes met. Soft lips teasingly touched the long haired exorcist's own as eye contact was never broken.

And a satisfied feeling entered the redhead as he found those glaring hateful blue eyes slightly widen as he added more pressure to the lips under his own. This was not happening; no Kanda refused to believe any of this was taking place. As soon as the other's lips met his own the long haired exorcist became still once again. So many things were running through his mind and emotions ripping apart his body it was no surprised that he overlooked, ignored, the flutter that replaced his normal heartbeats for a moment.

Deak ran his fingernails along Kanda's skin as his lips melted with another pair. Red scratch marks were left behind only to heal quite quickly. Something wet licked the Japanese exorcist's lips, slowly the wet muscle pried his lips apart then eagerly started to map out his mouth. Hips grounded against his own causing a growl to be swallowed up by Deak.

The feeling that came from Kanda's mouth wasn't pleasant, it was not pleasant at all. It was wet and slimy like an electric eel, the long haired exorcist didn't like it. Swiftly and angrily he bit down on Deak's tongue. The metallic taste of blood filled his mouth with a lovely feel that rolled around his taste the redhead pulled away a pained sound escaping his lips as he glared down at the other.

A smirk lifted the sides of Kanda's mouth slightly as he revealed in the taste of blood and the small victory that filled his being. Bright crimson blood ran down both their chins in a single line from the corner of their lips. A hand pulled away from the long haired exorcist's chest as Deak watched him. Anger burned brightly in his emerald eye, but there was some amusement hidden underneath. He liked games, complex games that fought back yet the anger swam in him because this doll was still quite haughty.

Forcefully Deak grabbed those long black locks that made his fingers twitch with want. With want to feel their silky touch and he found that yes they were soft as the finest velvet. Pulling hard he wrenched the other's head back, yanking out some hair as he did. Lips brushed the shell of Kanda's ear as the redhead whispered words in a calm menacing voice.

"That wasn't very nice, Yuu-chan...And now this isn't going to be fun for you anymore."

Deak finished his threat by biting the other's ear hard. Blood ran out of the wound staining the sheets below. A dull pain ran through Deak's head again causing a barely noticeable flinch. In the back, in the distance of his mind covered behind a foggy veil a familiar voice broke out. It sounded like a ghostly phantom trying to communicate with him, but he ignored it.

_'Deak stop it...Please don't hurt him!'_

'Lavi' pleaded and begged until the veil of fog got thicker and nothing could pass through it. No matter how much Deak wanted to drag this out he knew he couldn't because unexpectedly 'Lavi' was recovering his strength faster than he imagined. Soon his control would slip from his fingers and he would have to wait again until another weak moment arose from the other alias. Sitting up he reached for Kanda's pants, fingers tracing along soft flesh.

The Japanese exorcist struggled again, but it did not stop Deak from undoing his pants. Nor did it stop the redhead from pulling them down along with his boxers. Deak grinned at Kanda as he unbuttoned his own pants. The long haired exorcist would never admitted this, but at that moment fear ran through his veins replacing all the anger.

"Rabi!"

There was no response as the redhead clawed at his bare thighs. Crimson blooming on white making a sharp beautiful contrast.

"_Rabi, yameru!_"

He was getting desperate as he lay there exposed, emotions he never felt running wild within him. Those emotions, that desperation made his accent jumble his words as english seemed to fail him in his panic. Everything seemed to close in yet disappear before his eyes. Kanda's mind was fighting to protect him from this, but he refused to let this go because now the anger was back. Sapphire eyes glared at the cruel smirk tainting that pretty face the other wore. Arms wrapped around him as they carefully flipped him onto his stomach. The few inches of scarf that allowed Kanda to move his hands was now slightly twisted.

Deak ran his fingers over creamy smooth skin, loving its silky feel, as he pushed aside the other's jacket and shirt. He gave a low moan as he rested his forehead on the long haired exorcist's back. Fine long black hair brushed against his arms. Pushing down his own pants and boxers Deak moaned again as the air hit his harden flesh. The air was tense with so much energy, anticipation that was both from fear and excitement.

Teeth bit into his shoulder as a warm body pressed against his back. Something stirred within Kanda as that warmth wrapped around him. Bitting his bottom lip he was able to silence the whimper that tried to escape. Without any preparation Deak thrust into the Japanese exorcist. He moaned and Kanda bit his lip harder causing blood to run down his chin.

Pain rattled his nerves as he felt skin tearing. The redhead thrust hard and fast into the doll underneath him, completing enjoying the tightness that surrounded him. Kanda felt dizzy and was unable to focus as the agony increased and emotions overwhelmed. He didn't feel or realize that the redhead had wrapped a hand around his own arousal, or that he was even aroused by this torment. Deak's pre-cum and Kanda's blood soon made it easier to move inside. Moans and gasps were released from Deak's lips.

Kanda made sure no sound escaped from him as he endured the pain, discomfort, and humiliation. Disgust creeped into his spine as he felt a sickness tore at his insides. Anger burned in his sapphire eyes promising a quick end to the redhead who could not see them. Lips brushed his skin making it crawl like tiny spiders running along his body. The long haired exorcist hated how tears prickled at his eyes, so he closed them and tried to distance himself from the spinning room.

A couple of minutes later Deak came inside Kanda causing a stinging sensation to mingle with the burning. And kanda came a few seconds after causing a repulsed feeling to settle heavily in his stomach. Nausea bit at his throat while the heat left him cold. Panting resounded through the silent room as the redhead calmed his breathing. Kanda still was biting his lip, breathing through his nose, trying to hold the cracks together. More pain was pounding inside Deak's head as he pulled out of his used doll that was even more beautiful than before. Though not completely ethereal for he was not broken yet.

Fixing his clothes Deak shook his head hoping to keep 'Lavi' at bay just a bit longer. The redhead was desperately trying to break through, but he was stronger for the time being. He trailed a finger along the Japanese exorcist's spine before running the rest of them through sweat soaked black locks. Bending down Deak whispered in the other's ear, licking it to taste the emotions inside Kanda.

"Let's do this again, Yuu-chan."

Nipping the flesh he pulled away and walked to the door a carefree grin wide on his lips. Just before the door closed he heard the low breathy voice of Kanda call out to him.

"I'm going to kill you."

* * *

**yameru = Stop**

I really hate this chapter because I think it could be much better (Example: Non-con DeakXKanda scene) That could have been alot better *sigh* The next scene like this will be alot better for more than one reason.

I like to thank everyone who reviewed and hope that everyone will review again^^

I'm sorry for the delay on this, but I was trying to fix it and make it better than it was to begin with, also I'm sorry for any grammar/spelling errors

~XxSebastian'sXLittleXRobinxX


	6. Chapter 6

_Delirium or Insanity?_

_Chapter, 6_

_'I'm going to kill you!'_

Those words echoed and faded in his head like a flickering candle being snuffed out from lack of oxygen. Awareness, consciousness was pushing forward making the distant dream corrode with forgetfulness. Blinking blearily one lone emerald green eye, clouded with a haze of slumber, opened. In a lethargic daze he lifted a hand to his unruly bed head. A yawn escaped the redhead's lips as he stretched his sore muscles. Looking around Lavi saw the mountains of books and paper covered floor.

Automatically he closed his eye as a groan escaped his lips and buried himself into the blankets more. Work, today Bookman was going to chew him out of not keeping up with his logs. He knew this because for the past couple of days the redhead had completely neglected his work while the old man was away on a mission. Today was going to be torture as he sat hunched over a desk writing five days worth of logs.

With a small displeased groan he sat up in his bed feeling the covers roll down his body. They made a soft 'thump' as they landed upon his thighs. Yet his attention was on the uncomfortable feeling of wrinkled clothes nipping at his skin. It wasn't unusual for him to wake in yesterday's clothes, in fact it was quite normal when work piled up and the redhead had to spend all his time catching up. That was the problem through. Lavi did not remember even starting his logs at all, actually he didn't remember anything from yesterday.

"Don't recall comin' here or goin' to bed either."

An emerald eye widens in shock and panic made his limbs shake while his brow furrowed in confusion. Never, not once in all the years he was working with Bookman had he forgotten everything about a day. When he tried to think of yesterday all that came to mind were deep shadows full of pain and the smell of lotuses. Fear ate at his fake plastic heart as the feeling of dread washed over him.

What happened?

What did he do yesterday?

Why was it coming to his mind as a blank slot?

This dread had a way of making the redhead nausea with it's hidden meaning that only allowed him to think he did something wrong. Putting his head in his hands Lavi breathed slowly through his nose to quiet the storm rumbling inside. Yet this was something he could not ignore and it needed to be told to Bookman. Until then Lavi needed to act normal, he needed to put on more of an act than usual.

Sighing the redhead flung the covers off so he could get up and begin his day while he waited for the old man to return. A displeased groan escaped dry lips as he moved the sore muscles underneath flesh that was sticky with dried sweat. Without delay he grabbed clean clothes before heading for the bath houses.

It seemed troublesome today as everyone passing by raised a hand in greeting or voiced words of good wishes. Some stopping hoping to talk more, to catch up with the cheerful redhead they had not seen in a while even through they just talk a day ago. Annoying, demanding when all he wanted was to take a quick shower before going to breakfast. But the act must go on like always and the guise must be kept.

Another bleak day with the morning light peeking through dark storm clouds as they hit the gray stone walls. Gray, dark, gloomy, depressing, colorless. Today was a day he would use his cheerful demeanor to brighten the oppressive atmosphere. It was a day that his bright red hair, orange scarf, and green eye helped push away the black shadows.

No doubt today the overbearing weight of the war would be crushing everyone like two bags of 500 pound rocks. And as 'Lavi' it was his job to bring the cheer because everyone including Bookman expected it from him. If not everyone then at least the old panda did for it was in this alias' nature and not giving into the personality would cause trouble with his teacher.

Rubbing the back of his head Lavi sighed as he wished for the rain to come. Rain would turn this dark day into a glowing star that burned away all the gloom. If it rained then the day would belong to Kanda, no one else but the moody exorcist. A promise that Lavi would fulfill happily, delightfully. Though he was pretty sure the long haired exorcist wouldn't be to excited about it.

A few moments passed as he reached the bath houses, opened the door, and undressed. It was a slight surprise that no one else was there yet he figured that with the weather many would be reluctant to get out of bed, much less leave their rooms. The redhead sighed as the warm water curled around his body, easing the tension out of his limbs. Distractedly he removed his eye patch, to prevent it from getting wet, and placed it on the ground behind him. With eyes closed Lavi allowed images, events of his week to flash behind his eyelids.

Not a detail was overlooked, not even one word was lost. Every face and every feeling was brought to the surface over and over again. Yet no matter how many times he recalled the past week, yesterday was no where to be found in his memories. Then there was this little problem he had where he thought about and only of Kanda. Long black hair and sharp glaring sapphire eyes were imprinted into his mind.

A fallen angel, a pretty defective doll, a ticking time bomb filled with fireworks. So many ways, yes there were so many ways to describe the Japanese exorcist, but every one seemed to be lacking. His lips twisted into a forced grim smile that marred his fair features. Pushing the thoughts away Lavi began to clean the sweat and grim that coated his skin in a light invisible blanket.

Twenty minutes later he was standing in the cafeteria with his usual grin plastered on his lips and feeling slightly refreshed. It was starting now, beginning as everyone came to talk with him about anything they could think of. Mostly it was about the gloomy weather and how they wished it would clear up. How they wished the sun would shine and the rain would not come. It was really of no surprise that he was the only one wishing it would rain so he could escape everyone's madness.

The chilly draft that consumed the Order blew passed him causing a shiver to run down his spine as its coldness touched his damp skin. Thin fingers tugged at his headband that laid around his neck as he debated using it to hold back the still wet locks surrounding his head. It wasn't a long debate as the redhead decided against it because he didn't feel like having to go get another one when this one soaked up the water in his hair. Yet he did wish that he had brought his exorcist jacket with him to put on over the thin long sleeved shirt he was now wearing.

Sighing again for the third time today Lavi walked to the line hoping to get some breakfast. Maybe after he got his food and sat down everyone would just let him eat in silence. Though he doubted it the redhead knew that once he ate something the annoyed, irritable feeling he had would lessen and become more bearable. As for his missing memory well that could be pushed aside until Bookman came back. He was good at that, at pushing things away and saving them for later.

_Pain and the smell of lotus flowers._

Why did those things bother him so much?

Why was the pain his own as well as someone else's?

All the possibilities of him causing some damage he did not know about or how bad it could be. It just frightened him in a way that nothing else had. In a brief moment when no one was speaking to him Lavi thought he heard the pitter-patter of rain outside. But before he could confirm it a Finder was beside him saying 'Good morning' and something along the lines of 'What dreary weather we're having today.' Honestly Lavi wasn't listening anymore; why should he when all anyone every said was exactly the same.

Putting on another smile the redhead talked to Jerry as he ordered his meal. Lavi's mood darkened even more as he fell into a delirium caused by the gloom around him. A delirium that only got worse every time someone spoke to him. Soft yearning, sharp craving for his one and only samurai that could bring him out of this black mucky mess. The one person he did not have to put up a front for.

He sighed as he took a seat at an empty table though he knew no peace would come from it. For it would only encourage people to come sit and talk with the redhead about their troubles. The sounds around him were a wall of loud mindless chatter that mixed together as it pounded against his head. And for the fifteenth time he thought about how much today was going to suck, as well as how much he wished for the rain so he could escape. Running away was all the redhead wanted because running would lead to the one thing he wanted most.

His food tasted like ash in his mouth as he strained his ears to hear the noises outside hoping, with the little bit of hope he had left, that the splattering of rain drops against stone would come. During this time Allen and Lenalee made their way through the crowd to sit down right across from him. To caught up in his thoughts, listening for the rain, and mechanically eating Lavi did not hear or see them. Their voices were just more noise in the clamorous background.

Lavi poked and prodded his breakfast creating a big mess of mushy watery eggs. There was no point in eating when he wasn't hungry and it just left a bad taste in his mouth. He could feel the eyes of his friend studying him in a worried fashion, but he ignored them. Preferring to watch the dark grey clouds move outside.

_'I wonder what Yuu is doing now.'_

A sharp pain shot through his leg as soon as that thought finished in his head. On reflex he yelped and grabbed his leg before glaring at the two in front of him. Allen sat innocently eating his massive pile of food he called 'breakfast'. Lenalee smiled at him with that kind smile of her's which at the moment annoyed the redhead more than it calmed him.

"What's wrong, Lavi?" she asked. He shook his head as he let out a quiet 'nothing' before scooping up some eggs and eating them. Grey eyes scanned over his face as their owner put down his plate. "It doesn't look like nothing." Allen said in an even tone. "You look like someone drained the life right out of you."

Rolling his emerald eye Lavi continued to eat his cold meal to avoid answering the constant questions. The two shared a worry look and the redhead could see the distress pass from Lenalee to Allen. He could only guess what was passing through their minds yet he was sure that it was about how he never acted this 'down', 'depressed', 'lifeless' whatever the words they were using it didn't matter to him.

Where was the rain?

Where was Yuu?

That was all he cared about, that was all that circled his mind. Lavi did not want to listen to anyone expect Yuu, did not want to hear anybody else's voice expect Yuu's. Cravings for the long haired exorcist's touch ripped him apart and tainted him the longer they were ignored. Picking up his tray he stood before walking away to throw his unfinished meal in the trash. And it wasn't until the redhead turned to leave did he notice the shift in mood.

The white noise filled of loud laughter and talking quieted down to a gasping breathe of a whisper. Looks of worry along with fear etched their way on to most of the Finders' faces. Lavi didn't even have to look to see who it was that had entered the cafeteria. Yet when he turned to see the Japanese exorcist he understood the looks of fear. For it would seem Kanda was in a particularly foul mood.

The harsh glare coming form those ice cold blue eyes only confirmed this unspoken fact. Kanda's body was tense, rigged as a hand lay on Mugen's hilt. Pale pink lips were twisted into a tight frown. Yet the redhead could see the deep bags under the other's eyes from lack of sleep. He could see the stress that lay around him like a blanket.

As one emerald green eye swept over the long haired exorcist Lavi's chest swelled with that weird emotion he couldn't put a name on. It warmed him from head to toe while pushing his craving into an unbearable urge that he could not control. The redhead's legs moved on their own as he ran across the room. His eye never looked away from Kanda as the other turned his back on him.

Lavi felt the gloom lift from his mind as a wide smile spread across his face. Each finger prickled as they twitched from their owner's want to bury them in long black hair. A sharp pain stabbed at his heart at the sight of Kanda yet the happiness out shined it. His ears picked up the sound of rain hitting the gray stone walls which made him practically over flow with joy.

As soon as he was close enough the redhead launched himself at the long haired exorcist, who had yet to turn around. Wrapping his arm around the lithe frame of his sanctuary Lavi pulled him in close.

"Yuu-chan."

He buried his nose in the crook of Kanda's neck while he breathed in that soothing smell that belonged to the other. Kanda tensed under the heavy feel of the body draped over him as well as the soft breath that hit his flesh. A second of fear entered his cold sapphire eyes before it was covered up with rage. Grinding his teeth together the Japanese exorcist let out a growl. Without a second thought he pulled back his arm and elbowed Lavi in the ribs before knocking the redhead on his back by kicking his feet out from under him.

A small distressed sound escaped the redhead lips as pain exploded all over his body the moment he hit the ground. Breathing was made difficult from the ache in his ribs and came out as short gasps. Lavi was double over on the ground clutching at his sides while his arms covered his chest. Tears gathered in his green eye yet stayed trapped in his eyelashes.

"Y-Yuu."

He saw the panic, fear, and anger mixing together in glaring eyes as he watched the other. Confusion bubbled up inside himself at the way Kanda reacted. A strong reaction that he never got even through the Japanese exorcist made it clear that he hated his touch.

Why was Kanda scared?

Where was the panic coming from?

Why did he feel like he deserved this and so much more?

"If you fucking touch me again or even come near me I swear I'll fucking castrate you." Kanda hissed. "And you better take that into serious consideration because I'm not joking. If I ever see your face again it will get a proper introduction to _Mugen_."

"Y-Yuu." Lavi gasped out as he struggled to get up. He didn't understand what was happening, did not understand why the other was acting like this. More importantly he wanted to know why there was fear in those cold eyes. This emotion was out of place on that fair face; so out of place that it made the redhead's heart squeezed painfully in his chest.

An emerald eye watched as Kanda backed away as he got to his feet. Watched as those eyes never left his form even as he was kicked to the ground. He winced as every breath he took rattled his bruised ribs. A silent laugh echoed in his mind as he marveled at the strength the long haired exorcist had. Lavi had seen it in battle, but never had he experienced the full force of it before.

After a few minutes he was able to breathe normally and stand a little straighter. The pain had faded to a bearable throb, for now as he took a few steps forward. Closing his eye he thought about the new lecture he was going to get from Bookman on top of the one he was already preparing for.

_'I better go get this checked out at the infirmary before the old man gets back.'_

Sighing at the thought he opened his eye in time to watch Kanda move back as he moved forward. That fear was showing through again, more prominent as it slithered through his eyes and marked his face. Raising a hand Lavi went to touch the Japanese exorcist's cheek.

The cafeteria was completely silent now as everyone watched the two exorcist. Lenalee and Allen stood a few feet away watching with concern; to see Kanda lash out at Lavi like that was shocking. To have him actually injury the redhead to that extent was unusual.

Stepping closer the hammer wielding exorcist saw the other flinch ever so slightly. It was so small a movement that only he was able to see it. Long lithe fingers gripped the hilt of _Mugen _preparing to make their owner's threat true. The redhead lowered his out stretched hand as a hurt look crossed his features. A fake wide smile that looked like a forlorn grimace in Kanda's eyes spread across his lips.

Constant waves of a sharp dull throbbing resounded in his chest. He blamed the pain on his bruised ribs while he took a deep shuttering breath.

"Looks like I won't be able to spend the day wit' ya, Yuu-chan."

With shaking steps Lavi turned his back on the other before walking out of the cafeteria and its enclosing walls. Each step he took jolted his bruised ribs causing a sharp pain to spread throughout his chest. Yet his ribs weren't the only thing hurting in that spot. The redhead just couldn't understand anything today, he could not use his bookman training to further understand what just happened. Lavi could not understand why he was crying.

From the moment he stepped through those cafeteria doors his tears poured from his eyes like the rain fell from the sky. Guilt ate away at his heart, guilt that he couldn't place. Why did he feel so guiltily and why was this guilt triggered by Kanda?

Everything passed by him in a blur, mixing into a steady grey smear of different shades. His brain not registering his surroundings as it was too focused on the events that had past. Stuff that he couldn't, yet wished to remember, as well as the clear view of Kanda with slight fear in his sapphire eyes. An underwater effect muddled his sight even more as more tears gathered in his emerald eye. That fear cut the redhead deeply for he knew he was its cause in some way.

To deep in his thoughts Lavi failed to notice the closed doors of the infirmary. He grabbed his nose with both hands as pain exploded throughout his face. Curses left his lips as he angrily pushed the doors open, completely stunned at the fact he had run in to them. A dark emotion curled around inside him as his mood sank deeper under the black murky surface of the lake inside him.

The nurses looked up at him bewildered at his entrance. Sharp eyes glared at the redhead in displeasure as their owner walked over to him. Lavi was panting heavily from the pain of his broken ribs. Sweat clung to his skin and hair making it a slightly darker red. A green eye shone with barely hidden rage while tears seemed to magnify the one orb.

"And what can I help you with?" The Head Nurse asked a little sharply. She didn't appreciate his rude entrance for it had disrupted her healing patients.

"I got...into a fight...with Yuu-chan." He paused to catch his breath and ease the pain slightly. "I think...he broke...some ribs."

The Head Nurse clicked her tongue in disapproval at his story. This wasn't the first time Lavi was in here because he went to far with his jokes and it definitely wouldn't be the last. Whenever he did come in she always wondered how much longer it would take for him to realize he shouldn't be pulling pranks like he did. Especially if his victim for that practical joke was Kanda Yuu, the moodiest exorcist at the Order. As well as the one lest amused by these kinds of things.

Waving a hand towards a free bed she sighed as she left to get the supplies she might knew. Sitting down heavily on the pristine white bed Lavi hung his head already being consumed by his thoughts once again. Lithe fingers wiped away the drying tears as he rounded up his emotions into a tiny corner of his being. Emotionless was the best thing to be until Bookman came back. He could deal with everything then when he had someone who could help. Someone that could straighten out his mind so he could think.

It was just the long lecture he knew he was going to get that turned this idea sour, but it needed to be done. Just like his logs needed to get done before the old panda came back. Lavi sighed, or more like wheezed, as he knew it was going to be impossible to get them done before Bookman noticed the lack of work.

The Head Nurse came back with everything she needed and proceeded to check the redhead. She instructed him to remove his shirt so she could properly examine his 'broken' ribs. Which she had her doubts about because the redhead did not appear to be in the amount of pain a broken rib would cause. Nor was his breathing very short and shallow then again he was a trained exorcist and could deal with pain a lot better than others.

Lavi gasped as the Head Nurse poked and pushed on his chest making the pain intensify. Each poke had him breathless as the pain ripped through his chest. Pulling out a stethoscope she pressed it to his pale skin.

"Breathe as deeply as you can please."

The redhead hissed at the cold metal sucking in a sharp breath at the sting. It only took a few more moments for her to figure out how bad his injuries were.

"It's nothing to bad just a few bruised ribs, that's all...I do advise you to take it easy for a week. Do not over do it and refrain from any hea..."

"Lavi, there you are!"

The Head Nurse was interrupted by a short white haired boy with grey eyes and a scar. Frustrated she simply walked away figuring she had explained enough.

"Komui wants to see you in his office, said he had a mission for you."

The redhead wasn't in the mood to put on his guise, so all he did was look at Allen blankly before standing up. Pain exploded through out his body as he moved his bruised body, but it didn't hurt as much now. Lavi was getting used to the sharp explosions already and the painkillers that the Head Nurse had given him were starting to work in the marvelous way that drugs functioned. Yet that irritating mosquito sting blazing near his heart never left. Letting out a sigh he walked out of the infirmary vaguely listening to the Head Nurse yelling behind him.

It took about fifteen minutes for the hammer wielding exorcist to get from the infirmary to Komui's office. During those few minutes he did nothing, just simply existed as no thought pass through his mind. He refused to let thoughts be processed as they did nothing, but confuse him and right now Lavi did not want that. Luckily he didn't pass anyone on the way up and didn't have to put on an act.

Turning the knob he took a deep breath, that slightly hurt his ribs, and opened the door. A wide smile was plastered onto his lips as he waved to the people who chorused his name. Reever, Johnny, and Tup surrounded him instantly asking questions about what happened earlier.

"Aww you know Yuu-chan always in a grumpy mood. I just went to far today that's all." Lavi said as he rubbed the back of his head in a nervous fashion. Walking away he stepped into the area known as Komui's office. An emerald green eye widened slightly as it landed on a very familiar head of long black hair. The pain in his chest grew and hope that the long haired exorcist was just about to leave begin to fester. Taking cautious quiet steps he walked up to the couch in front of the Chief's desk. Sapphire eyes regarded him with a quick withering glance before looking away.

Komui stepped in front of them with a serious look on his face as he passed out the mission folders. Keeping his face masked in a lie Lavi smiled widely at the older man while inside he felt himself be dragged further under. Of all the exorcists here, at the one time he didn't want to be pair up with the moody samurai, why was he being teamed up with Kanda. Flipping open the folder he scanned the words absorbing the information they held. It was only quiet for a moment before Komui spoke.

"I'm sending you two on a mission to collect some innocence in Moscow, Russia."

* * *

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in awhile, but I just go so busy. I hope you enjoy this chapter despite its lateness and please review.

I'm sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes.

~XxSebastin'sXLittleXRobinxX


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